Universe May Be Within Ten Billion Years of Destruction
Scientists at Stanford University have put forward a new theory
on the expansion and contraction of the universe, postulating that the universe may be "middle-aged" and could collapse and vanish with 10-20 billion years. The key to this new idea is that the so-called "dark energy", which is hypothesized to drive the universe's expansion, may be changing in nature and could eventually become a compressive force, leading to universal instability and collapse.
Opponents of the war in Iraq were quick to point out that US President George W. Bush has completely ignored the problem of universal contraction in his "mad rush to war", and urged him to deal with this new problem before embarking on "overseas adventures". As Massachussetts Senator Ted Kennedy told reporters this morning:
To anyone with a sense of perspective, this new and ominous threat to the entire universe vastly outweighs any partisan concerns about a unilateral invasion of Iraq. Let America be a leader in providing humanitarian aid to those in developing countries affected by the collapse of the universe. Let's take those people of the third world who might otherwise be living under conditions like those found in the trash compactor in 'Star Wars', and build them decent housing --- with really strong walls --- to live through universal collapse with dignity.
Al Gore had similar remarks, but added that the compression of all matter in the universe is good news for those not in thrall to oil companies:
Smaller matter means smaller vehicles. Smaller vehicles are more efficient, have less environmental impact, and emit fewer greenhouse gases. We should welcome universal collapse with understanding and open arms, rather than buying into the scare rhetoric of energy interests and professors at elite universities. And, as Senator Kennedy has pointed out, it would be the height of irresponsibility for this nation to begin a new and ill-advised war before the collapse of the universe has been fully understood and dealt with.
Gore was also observed trying to get his wedding back on his sausage-link fingers, which have swollen enormously due to the former vice-president's habit of eating a lot.
International commentators were quick to condemn the collapse of the universe as "yet another example of American greed and non-multi-lateralness", pointing out that America's large mass contributes much more compressive gravitational force to the universe than the masses of smaller countries like as France and Germany. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien was quick to point out that, though Canada's land mass equals or exceeds America's, his Liberal government had taken strong measures to ensure that "dat weren't, you know, a bad ting, like da America mass."
In Palestine, PA leader Yasser Arafat called the universal collapse as "a Jewish trick to undermine the peace process" and "a backdoor method for illegally stealing more land for that illegal occupation-thing that Jews do, and also making my baby wipes smaller." He then angrily soiled his pants.
Fantastically biased and stupid news service Reuters ran the news under the headline "Israelis, Americans Deny Role in Massacre of Everything in Universe, Including Children and Cute Puppies".