This is what Drudge Report looks like right now:
Human evolution has ended, claim scientists: this is as good as it gets...
I'm just gonna go giggle like a schoolgirl for a while.
Standing Athwart History Yelling, "Yee-Haw!"
"I want it to be perfectly clear I in no way meant to disparage satin, the shiny fabric most favoured by the Solid Gold Dancers. Satan, the Devil, Old Sam Scratch: these things are bad. Shiny pumps, sensual bed sheets: these are good. And chicks dig it."
|Q:||How come the Democrats say that they are 'lock-step' with Bush on how the war should be waged, when in reality they keep dropping hints about 'serious concerns' they have with just about everything?|
|A:||James Carville told them to say that.|
|Q:||How come they are disagreeing so strongly on his economic proposals?|
|A:||James Carville told them to say that.|
|Q:||Isn't James Carville the guy who played that kid with the banjo in 'Deliverance'?|
|A:||No. That was James Traficant.|
|Q:||Gephardt said that the Democrats want fiscal responsibility, and are worried about the prospect of deficits. What is their answer to that?|
|A:||Tax cuts, and increased spending.|
|Q:||How does that solve the deficit?|
|A:||Democratic tax cuts are paid for by the money fairy.|
|Q:||But don't Democrats want to delay or eliminate Bush's tax cuts?|
|A:||Yes, but those are different kinds of tax cuts entirely. For instance, they weren't proposed by Democrats.|
|Q:||Okay, so what kinds of spending programs do the Democrats offer to help grow the economy?|
|A:||They want to extend payments for unemployment insurance and give seniors prescription drugs.|
|Q:||How does that grow the economy? If you subsidize unemployment, don't you tend to get more of it?|
|A:||Only if you believe 'economists'. And while prescription drugs for seniors may not grow the economy, they will keep old people quiet and medicated at election time.|
|Q:||What other plans do they have to grow the economy?|
|A:||Raise the minimum wage.|
|Q:||How does that help grow the economy>|
|A:||Because people will be making more! That means more money for everyone, and more spending!|
|Q:||But won't that increase unemployment, while lowering tax revenue and increasing unemployment insurance costs?|
|A:||Back off, Poindexter, or James Traficant will hit you with his whacking stick.|
|Q:||Gephardt said he wants to convene a bipartisan panel to discuss ways to grow the economy. How many people who actually make things and sell them will be there?|
|A:||None. Democrats don't like them. Besides, elected officials know more about it than they do.|
|Q:||Gephardt said he's ready to 'roll up his sleeves and get to work'. What does that mean?|
|A:||It means you get to work all day, and then Dick's going to roll up his sleeves and sign a bill that takes your money and gives it to someone else.|
|Q:||Gephardt renewed a call for campaign finance reform. Why are Democrats so insistent on it?|
|A:||Because it's bad if business people have influence in a process that decides what should happen to businesses, whereas unions will still be allowed to contribute lots of money, because their hearts are pure. Oh, and because the Democrats already have the media on their side, so anything that reduces non-media influence over government is a good thing.|
|Q:||Are the Democrats really that supportive of the military?|
|A:||Oh, you bet. You know, like when they fought against missile defense, or against increased military expenditures. Or when they tried to build a stronger military by forcing military academies to change their rules to suit the political flavor of the day. Oh, and cruise missiles. They used to hate cruise missiles. But other than that, they've been a big help. Except when they refused to let soldiers have armor in Somalia. But that's it. Other than the armor, the cruise missiles, missile defense, budgeting, and military tradition, they are right behind the military, all the way. As long as it maintains a proper gender and racial mix, and doesn't try to recruit young people.|
Mr. Speaker, beam me up! Stop this sucker fish crusade. Free these farmers.
I yield back the fact that this sucker fish sucks.
And this important item to be taken up on the floor:
Madam Speaker, it started with the training bra and then it came to the push-up bra; the support bra, the Wonder bra, the super bra. There is even a smart bra. Now, if that is not enough to prop up your curiosity, there is now a new bra. It is called the holster bra, the gun bra. That is right, a brassiere to conceal a hidden handgun. Unbelievable. What is next? A maxi-girdle to conceal a stinger missile? Beam me up.
I advise all men in America against taking women to drive-in movies who may end up getting shot in a passionate embrace. I yield back all those plain old Maidenform brassieres and chainlink pantyhose.
You can't make this stuff up. And you've gotta love a guy who called the IRS "The Internal Rectal Service" on the floor of Congress.
I was in New York, and I got a call from friends in Saudi Arabia that America was being attacked. I screamed down the hotel hallway to all our people, ‘Everybody get out, let’s leave now!’ Marlon Brando was on one end, our security was on the other end. We were all up there, but Elizabeth Taylor was at another hotel. We jumped in the car, but there were these girls who had been at the show the night before, and they were banging on the windows, running down the street screaming. Fans are so loyal. We hid in New Jersey.”
Now, this leads to a lot of very important questions, such as:
Connie: But we're the greatest democracy humankind has ever known. Can't we have a better clarion call than "Let's roll?"
Larry: No we can't. You know why?
Larry: Because the man who said it died a hero. That's why.
In WWII, General McCaulliffe responded to a German demand for surrender by saying, "Nuts!" Thereafter, he was known as 'Nuts' McCaulliffe, and that one word became a rallying cry for soldiers throughout Europe. Not because the word itself was anything great, but because it became a symbol for defiance in the face of overwhelming odds. That's what the sound-bite spinmeisters will never understand - to them, a patriotic phrase is something created by testing against a focus group. All flash, no substance.
I'm sure some people wish that Todd Beamer had said, "Gentlemen, this is the hour of our redemption!" or something equally dramatic in those last few minutes, but I guess he was too busy preparing to sacrifice his life to save others. So he said, "Let's Roll", because that's what he always said when the going got tough and he had to get something done.
Todd Beamer and the others on Flight 93 not only saved countless lives and perhaps the White House or the Capitol, but like 'Nuts' McCaulliffe, they gave us all a phrase to remind us that even when the going gets tough, we can still get the job done. Let's Roll.
To: Osama Bin Laden
Re: Thank you!
Today I have arrived at the new Madrassa. We had been wandering the hills looking for other cells of fighters when your courier appeared to us and said, "You must go to the new Madrassa that Osama Bin Laden has set up near Kandahar."
You truly have great powers to maintain such a facility so close to the infidel bases that infest our land. This is a testament to your greatness!
We spent the first day being shown how to strap explosives to our bodies and detonate them, that we might propel ourselves into heaven when the time arises. Today is the final exam. We have all lined up, and have been issued our practice explosives. We have strapped them on, and have been told that the final exam will consist of us running into a room and pulling the detonator as fast as we can. We will be graded on our speed and dexterity, and then issued our real explosives upon graduation and sent to the destination of our martyrdom that we might strike a blow against the Great Satan.
I must tell you, Osama, that your attention to detail is amazing. Standing at the entrance to the practice room are two men with caps that say, "FDNY" and "NYPD" on them. These men are to represent infidels that we are to blow up, and they are laughing at us as we go into the room in order to instill the hatred that must burn in our souls.
As each future martyr enters the room, the door is closed and we hear explosions. They tell us that they are tape-recorded sounds to distract us. Please allow me to compliment you on your choice of audio equipment - before converting to the cause I was a clerk at 'Circuit City', and I can tell you that it is nearly impossible to tell the recorded explosions from the real thing.
Also, please allow me to compliment you on your commitment to cleanliness, Osama, because after each man goes through the practice chamber a worker with a squeegee follows him in and makes sure that the room is spotless, for it is said to be a holy place. Surely a few footprints would not anger Allah, but it is not my place to question one such as yourself.
It is almost my turn, Osama, so I will cut this short. The men are waiting for me at the door. And I must say, they are excellent actors, for their laughs seem quite real. And I believe someone is giggling.
Man, do I hate it when I leave my radical Islamic nut-hatchery in Yemen to go check out what a bunch of ululating militant fanatics in a God-forsaken patch of Pakistan are doing when — all of a sudden — I inadvertently get caught up in a global terror network! I mean talk about bad luck.
Yeah, that sucks. But the point remains: Being caught up in an international terrorist network 'by accident' is about as likely as finding a moment of quiet near Kathy Lee Gifford. Read the rest of the article.
Dear Fun Pundits:
I hate you. I hate all of you. You all suck. I love it here in England, because unlike you, they don't suck.
P.S. Go see my movie.
Ok, I get it. I'm a one-eyed cleric. It sounds like a euphemism for the penis. Ha-Ha. You think that's funny, but it's not so funny when a bomb drops overhead and you have to hide here in a cave like a chicken, choking on dust, and... WHAT are you laughing at? Oh, chicken choking. Very funny. You sons of jackals have the humor of Rip Taylor. Anyway, we will defy you forever! You shall never beat the one eyed - ha! Thought I was going to say it, didn't you? I am too smart for you infidel dogs. We cannot be beaten. We will rise up and stand erect, holding our heads high, and... STOP LAUGHING!
Dear Fun Guys:
You want Bin Laden dead? No problem. Just get him to date my girlfriend.
Dear Happy Fun Pundit:
Please. Do not listen to Mr. Altman. He loves America. He wants to come home. In fact, he wants to come home so much that he has asked the Royal Marines to escort him back to America, which he loves. Please, take him back.
Anonymous, 10 Downing Street