Saturday, February 02, 2002

...then apes will be our masters!

This is what Drudge Report looks like right now:

Human evolution has ended, claim scientists: this is as good as it gets...

I'm just gonna go giggle like a schoolgirl for a while.

Christian Singer Found To Be Only Steve Green Who Counts

Satan, Goats Call Decision "Disappointing", Threaten Boycott of Awards Ceremony


An distinguished panel of judges today announced their finding that Christian singer Steve Green is the only Steve Green who counts. Said one judge, "There was that vodkaberry cooler pundit or whatever the hell he calls himself, but... well, 'lame' is a strong word, but entirely appropriate in this case. And I bet he's involved in this Enron thing, too."

In other Steve Green news, there was widespread disappointment over the much ballyhooed Friday night meal over at link excised. The menu promised steak Diane, rosemary mashed potatoes, and "a lovely '97 Freemark Abbey Cabernet Sauvignon". Highly-placed sources say that the meal fell well short of its press releases.

Addendum:Well, he taunted me! What did you expect? We've been very clear from Day One about the whole not-taunting thing.

Groundhog Day Update

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien saw his shadow yesterday.

That means six more weeks of corruption before he goes on another vacation.

Friday, February 01, 2002

Iranian Leader Clarifies Remarks

Responding to mounting pressure from the textile industry, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei issued a statement today to clarify remarks he made Wednesday calling America "the most hated Satan in the world.":

"I want it to be perfectly clear I in no way meant to disparage satin, the shiny fabric most favoured by the Solid Gold Dancers. Satan, the Devil, Old Sam Scratch: these things are bad. Shiny pumps, sensual bed sheets: these are good. And chicks dig it."
Satan Watch For Feb 1, 2002

Earlier reports (here and here) on Happy Fun Pundit have subtly implied that elements of the Islamic world see certain less-desirable aspects of the world through a fairly limited set of categories... in other words, everything the mullah-goobers don't like, they label as "Satan", usually preceded by an adjective or two.

You thought I was kidding? Hell, I thought I was kidding. Check this craziness out:

Iran honored to be targeted by US - 'most hated Satan'

It's too late in the day for a full-on Captain Subtext analysis... my short summary of the various Iranian comments is:

"We suck, and we're really indignant that George pointed out that we suck. He's a big pretzel-chokin' satan, that guy."

Note also that there are no less than three ads for Israeli dating services on the page. Having suicide bombers running around really puts a damper on the club scene, I betcha. For those who still can't find dates, we have an ad for "The Jerusalem Post Palm Edition". I can think of so many jokes involving porno theatres, newspapers, and the phrase "Palm Pilot" that I'm gonna stop myself lest this turn into another goat-humping fiasco.
We Answer Questions About the Democratic Response to the Bush Speech

Dick Gephardt offered a somewhat rambling and confusing rebuttal to President Bush's State of the Union Speech. Therefore, as a public service we here at Happy Fun Pundit have offered to answer your questions about it:

Q: How come the Democrats say that they are 'lock-step' with Bush on how the war should be waged, when in reality they keep dropping hints about 'serious concerns' they have with just about everything?
A:James Carville told them to say that.
Q: How come they are disagreeing so strongly on his economic proposals?
A:James Carville told them to say that.
Q:Isn't James Carville the guy who played that kid with the banjo in 'Deliverance'?
A:No. That was James Traficant.
Q:Gephardt said that the Democrats want fiscal responsibility, and are worried about the prospect of deficits. What is their answer to that?
A: Tax cuts, and increased spending.
Q: How does that solve the deficit?
A:Democratic tax cuts are paid for by the money fairy.
Q:But don't Democrats want to delay or eliminate Bush's tax cuts?
A:Yes, but those are different kinds of tax cuts entirely. For instance, they weren't proposed by Democrats.
Q: Okay, so what kinds of spending programs do the Democrats offer to help grow the economy?
A: They want to extend payments for unemployment insurance and give seniors prescription drugs.
Q: How does that grow the economy? If you subsidize unemployment, don't you tend to get more of it?
A: Only if you believe 'economists'. And while prescription drugs for seniors may not grow the economy, they will keep old people quiet and medicated at election time.
Q: What other plans do they have to grow the economy?
A: Raise the minimum wage.
Q: How does that help grow the economy>
A: Because people will be making more! That means more money for everyone, and more spending!
Q: But won't that increase unemployment, while lowering tax revenue and increasing unemployment insurance costs?
A: Back off, Poindexter, or James Traficant will hit you with his whacking stick.
Q: Gephardt said he wants to convene a bipartisan panel to discuss ways to grow the economy. How many people who actually make things and sell them will be there?
A:None. Democrats don't like them. Besides, elected officials know more about it than they do.
Q: Gephardt said he's ready to 'roll up his sleeves and get to work'. What does that mean?
A:It means you get to work all day, and then Dick's going to roll up his sleeves and sign a bill that takes your money and gives it to someone else.
Q: Gephardt renewed a call for campaign finance reform. Why are Democrats so insistent on it?
A:Because it's bad if business people have influence in a process that decides what should happen to businesses, whereas unions will still be allowed to contribute lots of money, because their hearts are pure. Oh, and because the Democrats already have the media on their side, so anything that reduces non-media influence over government is a good thing.
Q:Are the Democrats really that supportive of the military?
A:Oh, you bet. You know, like when they fought against missile defense, or against increased military expenditures. Or when they tried to build a stronger military by forcing military academies to change their rules to suit the political flavor of the day. Oh, and cruise missiles. They used to hate cruise missiles. But other than that, they've been a big help. Except when they refused to let soldiers have armor in Somalia. But that's it. Other than the armor, the cruise missiles, missile defense, budgeting, and military tradition, they are right behind the military, all the way. As long as it maintains a proper gender and racial mix, and doesn't try to recruit young people. 

I hope this has helped with any questions you may have had.
James Traficant - Patriot!

Don't you be talkin' smack about Mr. Traficant. The man is pure comedy gold. Allow me to quote from some of his speeches on the floor of Congress:
Mr. Speaker, beam me up! Stop this sucker fish crusade. Free these farmers.

I yield back the fact that this sucker fish sucks.

And this important item to be taken up on the floor:

Madam Speaker, it started with the training bra and then it came to the push-up bra; the support bra, the Wonder bra, the super bra. There is even a smart bra. Now, if that is not enough to prop up your curiosity, there is now a new bra. It is called the holster bra, the gun bra. That is right, a brassiere to conceal a hidden handgun. Unbelievable. What is next? A maxi-girdle to conceal a stinger missile? Beam me up.

I advise all men in America against taking women to drive-in movies who may end up getting shot in a passionate embrace. I yield back all those plain old Maidenform brassieres and chainlink pantyhose.

You can't make this stuff up. And you've gotta love a guy who called the IRS "The Internal Rectal Service" on the floor of Congress.

"Congressman Facing Trial Sues Feds"

Congressman James Traficant's defense against the bribery and racketeering charges that have been levelled against him is "that federal agents conspired against him and "engaged in a long-term vendetta to selectively prosecute" him in retaliation for his acquittal in 1983 on federal corruption charges.

I tried this with my third grade teacher, to wit: "She's been out to get me ever since I corrected a mistake she made on the blackboard!" Memo to Congressman Traficant: you better hope my mom isn't on the Federal bench, or not only will you end up writing out the school rule three hundred times, but you'll have to take a note from home to the FBI and promise to be more respectful of others.

Thursday, January 31, 2002

Goats Examine 'Root Causes'

In the wake of yesterday's tragedy, the goat community is asking itself: why do they screw us? One community leader, who identified himself as "Gruff", said that once the intitial shock of the brutal assault wore off, he and his friends began dialoging about how goat behaviour had created a climate where such a thing could happen:

"I mean, we as goats are hardly blameless. We walk around on four legs with our fine asses just hanging out in the breeze, and pretend that nobody should get a bit hot and bothered about that? And eating cans, we eat cans, we eat damn near anything, and you know how erotic that is to some people... they think, hey, you've got a can in you, and I'm in your can and all's right with the world."

Trauma counsellors working with the goats of the Paradise Allotments said that the sort of soul-searching that Gruff and his peer group are engaging in is the key to healing. "Without that kind of work, a lot of goats are going to be walking around looking at anyone on two legs and thinking, is that guy gonna try to do me?"

Spokespeople for humanity were quick to point that nobody has yet proven that the attacker was human, and further that such an action was offensive to all civilized humans. In a press release issued this morning, humanity said "Humanity is, and always has been, the greatest friend to the goat species. Boning goats is not what we're all about."

Goat leaders have spoken strongly against any backlash against humanity, and in some locales have taken steps to secure human habitats. "It's not going to be a case where you'll wake up in the morning and find a kid munching your dahlias. We are determined to show humanity that we are not against them. We are against nonconsensual nanny-banging."

Sheep were unavailable for comment.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

News of the Weird

Michael Jackson describes his Sept. 11 experience:
I was in New York, and I got a call from friends in Saudi Arabia that America was being attacked. I screamed down the hotel hallway to all our people, ‘Everybody get out, let’s leave now!’ Marlon Brando was on one end, our security was on the other end. We were all up there, but Elizabeth Taylor was at another hotel. We jumped in the car, but there were these girls who had been at the show the night before, and they were banging on the windows, running down the street screaming. Fans are so loyal. We hid in New Jersey.”

Now, this leads to a lot of very important questions, such as:

  1. What in hell is Marlon Brando doing hanging with Mikey?

  2. Were the fans really loyal, or were they banging and screaming because they were UNDER ATTACK?

  3. Girls? Girls still like him? Or were they just waiting for their little brothers?

  4. Doesn't the thought of Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor, and Marlon Brando all together in one limousine just about make you want to projectile vomit all over your monitor?

  5. "Friends in Saudi Arabia?"

  6. Is Michael Jackson in danger of being eaten by Marlon Brando?

  7. Would you care?

  8. If Michael Jackson, Marlon Brando, and Elizabeth Taylor were all hiding in a Limo in New Jersey, what would you have?

  9. A: I don't know, but the smell would be awful.

  10. No, really. What would you have?
  11. A: One hell of a season opener for "The Sopranos".
Larry Miller is THE MAN

This exchange was from last night's 'Politically Incorrect', between Larry Miller and Civil Rights Lawyer Connie Rice:
Connie: But we're the greatest democracy humankind has ever known. Can't we have a better clarion call than "Let's roll?"

Larry: No we can't. You know why?

Connie: Why?

Larry: Because the man who said it died a hero. That's why.

In WWII, General McCaulliffe responded to a German demand for surrender by saying, "Nuts!" Thereafter, he was known as 'Nuts' McCaulliffe, and that one word became a rallying cry for soldiers throughout Europe. Not because the word itself was anything great, but because it became a symbol for defiance in the face of overwhelming odds. That's what the sound-bite spinmeisters will never understand - to them, a patriotic phrase is something created by testing against a focus group. All flash, no substance.

I'm sure some people wish that Todd Beamer had said, "Gentlemen, this is the hour of our redemption!" or something equally dramatic in those last few minutes, but I guess he was too busy preparing to sacrifice his life to save others. So he said, "Let's Roll", because that's what he always said when the going got tough and he had to get something done.

Todd Beamer and the others on Flight 93 not only saved countless lives and perhaps the White House or the Capitol, but like 'Nuts' McCaulliffe, they gave us all a phrase to remind us that even when the going gets tough, we can still get the job done. Let's Roll.

So There I Was...

I'm a sucker for hangar flying, and Sgt. Stryker has one of the best stories I've read in a while: So There I Was...

Carrier pilots will tell you that flying night 'traps' is about the scariest thing you can do in an airplane. Their heart rates go higher during a night landing on a carrier than they do during combat.

Military flying is dangerous, even in peacetime. George Bush flew F-102's, and therefore had a much greater chance of being killed during his service than did the average Vietnam draftee. Most of those pundits throwing accusations of cowardice at him would have been scared to death to take a ride in one of those things.

I had a friend who flew F-104's in Europe as part of Canada's NATO commitment, and he used to joke abou the operational casualty rate of those aircraft. Example: How do you get your own F-104? Answer: Buy a plot of land in Germany and wait.

Modern fighters are more reliable than those old Century-Series planes, but when things go bad, they go bad in a hurry. And there is almost zero margin of error. Keeping your cool and bringing your sick bird home when you're only a finger twitch away from oblivion is what real bravery is all about. Well, that and the fact that ejecting really sucks.

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

I've Got Yer Bellicose Women, Right Here

According to a new poll by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press, women are now more likely than men - by 57 to 46 percent - to believe that improving national security should be a top priority.

You can read about it here: Poll: Women Becoming More Hawkish

In a related story, my wife has been practicing with her new buttonholing machine. It makes lovely buttonholes approximately 9mm in diameter. The new machine is said to be able to produce approximately 8 to 9 holes in rapid succession, although it does have a disconcerting habit of pulling up and slightly to the right while stitching.

Monday, January 28, 2002

We Intercept Communications

To: Osama Bin Laden

Re: Thank you!

Today I have arrived at the new Madrassa. We had been wandering the hills looking for other cells of fighters when your courier appeared to us and said, "You must go to the new Madrassa that Osama Bin Laden has set up near Kandahar."

You truly have great powers to maintain such a facility so close to the infidel bases that infest our land. This is a testament to your greatness!

We spent the first day being shown how to strap explosives to our bodies and detonate them, that we might propel ourselves into heaven when the time arises. Today is the final exam. We have all lined up, and have been issued our practice explosives. We have strapped them on, and have been told that the final exam will consist of us running into a room and pulling the detonator as fast as we can. We will be graded on our speed and dexterity, and then issued our real explosives upon graduation and sent to the destination of our martyrdom that we might strike a blow against the Great Satan.

I must tell you, Osama, that your attention to detail is amazing. Standing at the entrance to the practice room are two men with caps that say, "FDNY" and "NYPD" on them. These men are to represent infidels that we are to blow up, and they are laughing at us as we go into the room in order to instill the hatred that must burn in our souls.

As each future martyr enters the room, the door is closed and we hear explosions. They tell us that they are tape-recorded sounds to distract us. Please allow me to compliment you on your choice of audio equipment - before converting to the cause I was a clerk at 'Circuit City', and I can tell you that it is nearly impossible to tell the recorded explosions from the real thing.

Also, please allow me to compliment you on your commitment to cleanliness, Osama, because after each man goes through the practice chamber a worker with a squeegee follows him in and makes sure that the room is spotless, for it is said to be a holy place. Surely a few footprints would not anger Allah, but it is not my place to question one such as yourself.

It is almost my turn, Osama, so I will cut this short. The men are waiting for me at the door. And I must say, they are excellent actors, for their laughs seem quite real. And I believe someone is giggling.

Jonah Hits One Out Of The Park

Jonah Goldberg has a great take on John Walker in this latest article.

Allow me to quote from part of it, in which Goldberg takes issue with the idea put forth by Walker's lawyer that he was a 'passive bystander' who was 'inadvertently drawn in' to Al-Qaida:
Man, do I hate it when I leave my radical Islamic nut-hatchery in Yemen to go check out what a bunch of ululating militant fanatics in a God-forsaken patch of Pakistan are doing when — all of a sudden — I inadvertently get caught up in a global terror network! I mean talk about bad luck.

Yeah, that sucks. But the point remains: Being caught up in an international terrorist network 'by accident' is about as likely as finding a moment of quiet near Kathy Lee Gifford. Read the rest of the article.

Sunday, January 27, 2002

Overweight Minibiker, Hotrodder Clash.

Happy Fun security cameras capture confrontation
Heavy Man Once Again At Center of Controversy

Weekend tensions were high once again in this small community on the East Bank of the San Francisco Bay. Troubles began last night when the idiot teenager next door had a loud party that went on well past three AM. Commented one neighbour, "I'm amazed nobody called the cops. I mean, am I the crankiest person on the street?" The instability of the situation became evident when I escorted my guest to her car at about one, and noticed that some kid had parked his van so that he was almost blocking my driveway. When asked if it was his van, one kid was heard to say, "Yeah. Sorry. We're leaving right away." However, attention was quickly drawn from the offending van when a red 1967 Mustang pulled up and made three unsuccessful attempts at a brake-stand; the youthful operator of the vehicle was dropping the clutch too fast, analysts said.

After a relatively quiet forty five minutes, violence almost broke out shortly before two AM when some girl from Hayward called another party-goer a "cracker", leading to a loud exchange of profanity, racial epithets, and metaphors involving body parts. It was during this outburst that the local community was compared unfavourably to excrement, whereas Hayward, it was purported, "ruled". The party wound down sometime after three AM, or at least got quiet enough that I could sleep. Observers on the scene earlier today pointed to beer bottles in the gutter in front of my house as evidence that "they got their wang-dang-doodle on last night."

The Aftermath of What Some Think Was Too Much Fun

On Sunday afternoon, the peace was shattered again when, shortly before 5 PM, the controversial heavy man with the minibike confronted the local hot-rod guy in front of my house. Details were sketchy at press time, but it is suspected that the heavy man may have asked the hot-rodder to "slow down a bit". It is also possible that they discussed the previous night's party. The confrontation ended peacefully when the minibike guy rode away and put his minibike in his garage.

In the wake of one of the wildest weekends since this neighbourhood was occupied by me some two years ago, passive-voice questions were raised about whether it would've been better to call the cops, just walk over there and tell them to quiet down it's two in the morning ferchrissake, or put up with the racket as long he doesn't make a habit of it. With hopes dim that the idiot teenager and his mother will ever show the slightest bit of consideration, some residents are asking themselves, "Why the hell don't I just bite the bullet and move closer to work?"
We Get Letters:
Dear Fun Pundits:

I hate you. I hate all of you. You all suck. I love it here in England, because unlike you, they don't suck.

P.S. Go see my movie.


Robert Altman

Dear HFP:

Ok, I get it. I'm a one-eyed cleric. It sounds like a euphemism for the penis. Ha-Ha. You think that's funny, but it's not so funny when a bomb drops overhead and you have to hide here in a cave like a chicken, choking on dust, and... WHAT are you laughing at? Oh, chicken choking. Very funny. You sons of jackals have the humor of Rip Taylor. Anyway, we will defy you forever! You shall never beat the one eyed - ha! Thought I was going to say it, didn't you? I am too smart for you infidel dogs. We cannot be beaten. We will rise up and stand erect, holding our heads high, and... STOP LAUGHING!


Dear Fun Guys:

You want Bin Laden dead? No problem. Just get him to date my girlfriend.



Dear Happy Fun Pundit:

Please. Do not listen to Mr. Altman. He loves America. He wants to come home. In fact, he wants to come home so much that he has asked the Royal Marines to escort him back to America, which he loves. Please, take him back.


, 10 Downing Street