Saturday, February 16, 2002

Arafat Wrecks Running Gag

This story confirms what everyone knew all along: Yasser Arafat is a dork. And once again, he's spoiled things for everyone. Way to go, Yasser.
Canada and U.S. Light World's Biggest Reefer

Yesterday, a Canadian warship captured a wooden vessel loaded with over 4000 pounds of hash.

The Canadian ship, HMCS Toronto was soon joined by the U.S.S. Leyte Gulf, which sent the following message: "Hey, stop bogarting that boat."

The Leyte Gulf and Toronto then ignited the wooden boat with incendiary rounds and sank it.

Asked for details, the Canadian captain said, "We were unprepared for the rapid burning of the boat, and were caught with the wind in the wrong direction. As a result, our sailors were only getting little girly tokes, and not those big monster hits we were expecting."

Quick thinking by Lt. Jeff Spicoli from the Leyte Gulf and Master Seaman Ross Rebagliati from the Toronto saved the day, when the two men used the 57mm cannon, three 55 gallon drums and ten bedsheets to make the world's largest bong.

For their quick thinking, the Canadian and American captains awarded the men each a bag of Oreo cookies and cheese doodles, and declared them "totally gnarly."

Friday, February 15, 2002

The End of an Era

It's Friday, and we here at Happy Fun Pundit declare the first annual Yasser Arafat running joke to be officially over.

When reached for comment, Donald Rumsfeld squinted and said, "Oh, come on! Arafat has been a running joke for the last decade."

Yasser Arafat immediately denounced Rumsfeld as an Israeli spy and.... Oh, sorry. I said it was over.

On another, completely unrelated (and unfunny) note, I'd like to point out that MSNBC has a really cool interactive multimedia presentation of background material on the war. You can see it here: The New Battlefield

Best Line from Canadian Figure Skating News Conference

The two Canadian skaters, Jamie Sale and David Pelletier, who were just awarded the gold (and whose attitude throughout this has been a great credit to Canada), were asked the following question:

Reporter: Now that you've been given the gold, do you have to give back the silver medal?
David Pelletier: Actually, we're now going to protest the bronze medal. We want the whole collection.

The other funny moment (this is also true) came when a reporter asked a question and the moderator said, "Could you please stand?" The reporter, who was uh, 'deficient in stature', replied "I AM standing." Hilarity ensued.

It's times like this when I'm proud to be a Canadian. But invariably, just as I get that nice warm patriotic feeling something happens that is horribly embarrassing. For example, Jean Chretien says something.

Canadian Skaters Get the Gold

In a completely unsurpising move, the International Skating Union has suspended the French judge for 'being influenced to change her gold medal vote to the Russians improperly'. As a result they have changed the scoring to 4-4 for the Canadians and Russians, and have given the Canadians a gold medal.

The ISU believes that this stern action will remove all appearances of impropriety from the sport, which is now completely clean.

Asked whether the French Skating Federation (which appears to be the group responsible for pressuring the judge in the first place) would be sanctioned, the ISU official said, "The French judge has been suspended".

When asked if the Russians (who were the ones who cut the deal with the French Federation) would be sanctioned, the ISU head said, "The French judge has been suspended."

When asked about the four Eastern block votes for the clearly inferior Russians, the ISU head responded, "The French judge has been suspended".

When asked about the, oh, two dozen questionable decisions in the last 20 years of Olympic figure skating, the ISU said, "If we can locate more French judges, they will be suspended."

Well, I for one am glad that figure skating has been completely cleaned up.

In a related story, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has denounced the French judge as being an Israeli spy, and claimed that she was responsible for smuggling weapons aboard the Karine-A. Upon further questioning, Arafat also admitted that the French judge was wearing "The fur coat of Satan."

After viewing tapes of the judging, Happy Fun Pundit editors are forced to agree with Arafat. That was one bad fur, man.
Clarification

An item posted on Happy Fun Pundit on Tuesday stated that Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien responded to the Olympic figure skating scandal by saying "Oh, isn't that nice! We got a silver! Let's celebrate. Get my golf clubs and government jet, we're going to Florida!" Unfortunately, we failed to make it clear that these were not Chretien's exact words, but in fact the interpretation of a blue ribbon panel of linguists, speech therapists, and rock singers convened to make sense of Chretien's utterances. The PM's actual words cannot be transcribed by any known human alphabet or phonetic system, although monkeys flinging poo against walls have come close on two occasions.

"Gagaga da jeton combover da fla!"


We did not mean to imply that the Prime Minister had uttered a coherent English sentence, and apologize for any confusion this may have caused readers.

In a related story, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat said something angry about Chretien, but nobody could understand him either.

Thursday, February 14, 2002

Scientist Isolate "Cuteness" Gene

Reuters Photo


In a bold move clearly aimed at thwarting the anti-cloning movement, publicists from Texas A&M today unveiled "Cc:", a kitten so cute that any humans that come within ten feet are forced to say "Awwwwww!" and talk in silly voices of the sort ordinarily reserved for babies. A spokeswoman for the university said, "Isn't she just precious?" Later, responding to questions about the science behind the cat, the spokeswoman continued teasing Cc: with a piece of yarn, and answered somewhat snappishly, "I don't know. Do you see a white lab coat on my back? Egghead over there said that he's a clown or something."

Previous cloning experiments have focused on less attractive animals, such as sheep, mice, and the guar, an big ox-like thing. Asked about their choice of animals, the Scottish researchers who cloned Dolly the Sheep said "We know what you're trying to imply, and it's not funny."

Responding to the announcement, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat called Cc: "the most adorable Israeli spy I have ever seen." According to highly placed sources, Arafat watched videos of the kitten and said "Did we pwant weapons on Kawine-A? Did weee? Yess wee diid! Yessss wee did! Are we a vewwy bad kitty? Yesss we are!"
A Note to Potential Martyrs

When trying to threaten police with a hand grenade, remember - do not pull the pin until you are absolutely sure you are ready to martyr yourself.

We lose more terrorists that way.

Signed,

Your Instructor

This Just In: In a late-breaking development, Yassir Arafat has denounced the bits of terrorist as being an Israeli spy, and claimed that the ex-terrorist planted weapons aboard the Karine-A, the ship carrying fifty tons of weapons which Israeli security intercepted in the Red Sea last month. Arafat also said that he was pretty sure that the terrorist instructor was "Up to no good."

Wednesday, February 13, 2002

With Neighbourly Neighbours Like These...

Iraq President Saddam Hussein vows that his nation will stand with Iran against any aggression, according to Drudge:


''We say it loud and clear: we are against aggression on Iran for many reasons and we are committed to our stand,'' Saddam told a cabinet meeting, according to the official Iraqi News Agency.


The official Iraqi News Agency omitted the latter portions of the speech, when Hussein looked up and realized that everyone who could move had fled the room. The Iraqi strongman was quoted as saying "Hey... where'd everyone go? Hello? Anyone? Shoulder to shoulder? Iranian pals?"

Sources within the Iranian government leaked a draft memo of the official response to Hussein's overtures:

"Yeah, right. We're washing our beards that week. You are so boned."

Apparently, the memo concept was abandoned when nobody was willing to get close enough to Hussein to deliver it.

Responding from Palestinian Authority headquarters in Ramallah, where he remains under virtual house arrest, PA Leader Yasser Arafat denounced the Iraqi leader as an Israeli spy, and claimed that Hussein planted weapons aboard the Karine-A, the ship carrying fifty tons of weapons which Israeli security intercepted in the Red Sea last month.
Gore Defends Snotsucking Weasels

A story on Ananova says that former US vice president Al Gore accuses the current administration of "showing "impatience and disdain" toward US allies in the war in Afghanistan." Gore was part of the former Clinton administration, which was more prone to disdain towards the American people, their laws, common sense, and common decency.

Yasser Arafat responded to Gore's remarks by denouncing the former Vice President as an Israeli spy, and claimed that Gore planted weapons aboard the Karine-A, the ship carrying fifty tons of weapons which Israeli security intercepted in the Red Sea last month.
Daschle Backpedals; Biden Digging Hole Deeper?

In an unstartling about-face, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle said, in effect, that he was disappointed in his own disappointment (noted yesterday by Happy Fun Pundit ) with President Bush's "axis of evil" remarks.

Distancing himself from Daschle's disappointment, Rockin' Joe Biden said:

"The only criticism I have, in fact it's not criticism, it's just an observation, is that it's created more uncertainty than certainty," Mr. Biden said. "I have no problem with the president, if he believes it, calling a spade a spade. I don't mind the words; I am concerned with the lack of explanation."


Notes:

1) Compare Biden's spade remarks with HFP's headline from yesterday. Advantage: Happy Fun Pundit!

2) One possible explanation for Bush's labelling the governments of Iran, Iraq, and North Korea as evil is that those regimes are, in fact, evil.

After Biden's remarks, Yasser Arafat denounced the Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman as an Israeli spy, and claimed that Biden planted weapons aboard the Karine-A, the ship carrying fifty tons of weapons which Israeli security intercepted in the Red Sea last month.
In Canada, Even the Malls are Armed

Okay, so SatireWire makes fun of Canada's military, expressing surprise that we have a warship and that 'someone gave us guns'.

Well, it's time the truth be known: Canada is an armed camp. The arsenal of the north. A veritable frozen fortress, just like Superman's.

You need proof? Consider this: Canada has more submarines in its shopping malls than most countries have entirely! West Edmonton Mall alone has six state-of-the-art submarines, ready to intercept any terrorists who would attempt to smuggle weapons past the Radio Shack on Level I.



Canadian Special Forces Board Submarine


Canadians have a reputation for being peaceful, so they keep their vast arsenal carefully hidden. But Canada is now enraged. It is ready for war. Why? Because they took away our figure skating gold medal! Wars and terrorism may not wake up Canadians, but by God, they will avenge their medal!

As we speak, thousands of Canadian troops are marching on Salt Lake City, prepared to deliver one of the most sternly worded letters Canadians have ever written. And if that letter doesn't have an effect, they will write an even angrier one, and they will sign it this time.

Do not take Canada lightly. Canada's Special Forces are highly trained. The offensive triple-lutz is a uniquely Canadian military manoever. And if needed, the soldiers can follow through with a lightning double toe-loop-salchow combination, a military manoever which hasn't been used since the great battle of Innsbruck, Austria.

And if an ocean should ever spring up around Edmonton, Canada's subs are ready.
Alert: New Terrorist Financing Model

Happy Fun Pundit reporters have discovered that Al-Qaida may be turning to new funding methods after having most of their assets seized by U.S. law enforcement.

We have discovered this sample of the new 'Osama Bin Laden Trading Card' set:


New Terrorist Trading CardBack of Card


The FBI reminds you that collecting terrorist trading cards only helps the terrorists. And besides, the fewer people that buy them, the more Agent Cooper's "Zwahi Al-Safad" Rookie Card will be worth in 10 years. Especially considering the fact that the U.S. military has promised that their rookie cards will likely be their last.

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

Bad Translation Alert II

This is an actual slogan displayed on a sign at the Anti-America rally in Teheran:

America Is Extremly Nothy



- From The Daily Show

I think it's time you nothy Americans started recognizing your nothyness, and stop exporting your noth all over the world. And the gap between the mere nothy and the extremly nothy in America continues to grow wider.
Ted Turner Says Stupid Things: Media, Public Unsurprised

Some choice quotes from Associated Press coverage of Ted Turner's recent speech at Brown University:


PROVIDENCE, R.I. –– Media mogul Ted Turner says the Sept. 11 attacks were an act of desperation, and the hijackers were "brave" but probably "a little nuts."

In a related story, Jane Fonda also used the phrase "little nuts" in reference to ex-husband Turner.


In a wide-ranging address Monday, the AOL Time Warner vice chairman said the attacks on the World Trade Center the Pentagon were an outgrowth of poverty. "The reason that the World Trade Center got hit is because there are a lot of people living in abject poverty out there who don't have any hope for a better life," he said.


For reasons that are unclear at press time, those poverty-stricken people chose to lash out through the auspices of a bunch of well-educated upper middle-class Saudis. Presumably, Turner spends a lot of time explaining to homeless people why he doesn't make terror attacks on their behalf.

The rest of the speech can be quickly summarized by saying "Ted Turner is a moron" over and over again.
It Worked On Okinawa, Didn't It?

The Twin Cities site reports that former Attorney General Janet Reno is critical of John Ashcroft's handling of the current crisis. One can only imagine that Reno would also be critical of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield's handling of the military action in Afghanistan: "If they don't come out of the caves, burn the bastards out. Problem solved. Works every time."
Overpriced Crap At Yard Sale Hampers Economic Recovery



Unease returned to this quiet community on the East Bank of the San Francisco Bay after two weeks of relative quiet. Hopes have been high for a return to peace after two weekends without the Heavy Minibike Man but now economists are worried that a lot of really overpriced crap at a yard sale is jeopardizing the local economy.

"Four hundred and fifty bucks for an old Coke machine?" commented one economic analyst. "I'm almost sure I saw a new one cheaper than that at Costco. And the antique dentist chair for one fifty? What is anyone going to do with an old dentist chair?" A panel of experts concluded that it was likely that the yard sellers probably bought the dentist chair at someone else's yard sale, thinking it would be really funny, then realized that it was in fact really stupid and useless by the time they got it down into the rec room. Likewise, the Coke machine reflects a history of poor economic decision making.

Overpriced Novelty Items: Can the Economy Grow Around Them?

Observers on the scene noted that when the sale goods were put away at sundown, the dentist chair and Coke machine were still for sale, raising concerns about when, if ever, the good times will return to this once-proud neighbourhood.


This is Too Funny

In an amazing display of investigative journalism, Sgt. Stryker discovers the whereabouts of Jabba The Hut.

Take that, Woodward and Bernstein.
Early Jockeying For Position In Antichrist Race

Wired News reports that a family from Boca Raton are anxious to be the first people to be implanted with biochips containing their personal information. The chips, which can store up to six lines of text and be read by special scanning equipment up to four feet away, are completely useless for medical purposes because no hospitals have the equipment to read them. Nonetheless, young Derek Jacobs, who "fantasizes about merging humans and machines", wants to be the first kid to be implanted with the chip.

Presumably the six lines of text will read: "WARNING: THIS KID HAS SOME WEIRD IDEAS AND PROBABLY BELIEVES THAT HAVING AN ANAL PROBE WILL MAKE HIM A CYBORG. STAY AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE".

Reportedly, former US president Bill Clinton is also interested in the biochip. Highly-placed sources say that the text for Clinton's chip will read:

IN THE EVENT OF SERIOUS INJURY OR ILLNESS, ALTERNATELY LAVAGE WITH YOUNG INTERNS AND BIG MACS.
IN THE EVENT OF DEATH, PLEASE GO UNDER MY BED AND BURN THE BOXES MARKED "T", "A", "O", "B", and "BB". YOU MAY KEEP ANY PORNOGRAPHY YOU FIND.
PLEASE CONTACT Y&M PUBLICISTS 800-555-1212 AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AFTER EXPIRATION TO PUT BEST POSSIBLE SPIN ON MY DEMISE. ONCE THEY SAY ITS OK AND HAVE LINED UP A PRESS CONFERENCE, GO AHEAD AND LET HILLARY KNOW. PLEASE PUT A BIG INCISION IN ME SO IT LOOKS LIKE I DONATED ORGANS BUT TO BE HONEST YOU REALLY DON'T WANT ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF ME --- JUST ASK GENNIFER HAHAHA.
Daschle Calls a Spade a Shovelly-Thing

Senate Majority weiner Tom Daschle doesn't like George Bush's use of the phrase "axis of evil" in reference to the three countries that form the axis of evil. Presumably, Daschle would've preferred that Bush say that he was "disappointed" in the three countries, and perhaps place them on the "axis of disappointment", along with the Beaver and Opie.

Figure Skating Judging Explained

Well, now that the Canadians have been robbed of their gold medals by the Eastern Bloc judges (along with France), I thought it was time to explain how these marks were achieved:

Official Olympic Scorecard
DescriptionRussiansCanadians
Actual skating score9.410.0
Won 10 in a row, 11 would be nice+0.10.0
Colorful costumes+0.1-.01
Vote will help get Russian votes for French skaters+0.1-0.1
Canadians don't fight back when screwed over0.0-0.1
Recently suffered massive head wound +0.10.0
Total:9.89.7

See? If you apply all the corrections, it makes perfect... Aww, screw it.

Chretien's stern response: "Oh, isn't that nice! We got a silver! Let's celebrate. Get my golf clubs and government jet, we're going to Florida!"
A Haiku for Osama

Hiding in a cave
Somewhere in Afghanistan
Freezing my nuts off.


Thank you. I'll be here all week.
We Intercept Communications

From: Mullah Omar.
To: Ululating Fanatics

Dear UF's: Today, our glorious leader died in a rain of hellfire. He will be sorely missed around the water cooler in cave 8.

Sincerely,

Omar.

P.S. OOPS! Hellfire missile. Sorry if I caused anyone to martyr his pants there. My bad.

Monday, February 11, 2002

Bad Translation Watch

This from a sign in Taiwan:
BANK OF OVERSEAS CHINESE

Speedy, Infallible, Nice and Overhaul!

The Bank of Overseas Chinese, a Bank of Touching!


A bank of touching! Where do I sign up? And I was going to make a joke about deposits and withdrawals, but that would be in very bad taste.

The Bank of Overseas Chinese: All your money are belong to us! For great justice!

Sunday, February 10, 2002

Dr. Evil Links To Enron Probed; Mini-Me Seeks Immunity

The New York Times reports that a forthcoming book on George W. Bush reports , among other things, the troubling facts that GWB doesn't know from "Sex and the City", and chose Chuck Norris as his favourite film actor. The book also reveals that George "often lifted his pinkie to the corner of his mouth to mimic the Dr. Evil character in the Powers flicks."

First of all, I'd pay a lot of money to see George do the pinkie thing during a press conference... "I will attack Iraq unless Saddam pays me... one BILLION DOLLARS! BwahaHAHAHAAH!" It'd be worth it just to see the Europress wet themselves writing breathless stories about how it was only a matter of time before GW showed his true supervillain colours. It'd be better still if you could get Cheney to wear an eyepatch and answer to "Number Two". Colin Powell could be Mustafa, the guy with the fez ("I'm quite badly burned!") and Condy Rice would of course be Frau Farbissina. Maybe Bush 41 could have a cameo as "Not So Mini Me".

Secondly, George has teenage-ish daughters. Personally, if I had teenage daughters, it would be a frosty Friday in Heck before I'd let them watch "Sex and the City" with my consent. The show, for those of you as cultural bereft as Mr. Bush, concerns the adventures of Sarah Jessica Parker and her coven of agonizingly neurotic, self-obsessed friends who alternate between trying to get laid, getting laid, not getting laid, and complaining about all the foregoing, while their roommates Jack and Chrissy try to convince Mr. Roper that Jack is gay, even as Elly May and Ricky Ricardo are getting down in the cement pond.

Third, you can't tell me that choosing Chuck Norris as the greatest actor of all time is more than a matter of taste. Sure, Jet Lee's got some great moves, but when Chuck's in front of the camera, you feel what he feels. That, to me, is what makes an actor, even if the other guy's got a wicked side snap kick.

Fercryingoutloud... he's a middle-aged guy from Texas. What the HELL did you expect? Look, if the CEO of my company had enough free time to watch all the hot shows on HBO, keep up with Survivor, and discuss the theme song from Enterprise, I'd say it'd be time to get a new CEO. If liking "Cats" is the worst thing you can find to say about the guy --- and I'm not saying that liking "Cats" is a good thing --- as opposed to, say, noting that he can't tell the difference between a woman and a humidor, or that he's a neurotic self-obsessed bozo who spends his time trying to get laid or getting laid, while ignoring increasingly bold terrorist actions against the country he's nominally responsible for protecting, well... OK, "Cats" is pretty bad, I'll give you that, but it's not the worst thing in the world.