Friday, February 22, 2002

Jesus will CRUSH you!

This may be one of the funniest things I've seen in the last week:

Oh, yeah, baby! He's kickin' it, Lamb of God style! The Prince of Peace is back, and ready to rumble!

First They Come For Your Classifieds

Well, it seems like the anti-gun nuts are on the run. The events of September 11 have knocked their cause back farther than Calista Flockhart attempting to shoot a .375 H&H Magnum.

So now, instead of trying to ban guns, they are trying to ban classified ads for guns. They claim they are a prime means for terrorists to acquire weapons. I'll tell you what - they can take my classified ads the day they can pry them from my cold, dead, ink-stained fingers.

In a related story, the group is also trying to ban Guns N' Roses. Said a spokesman for the gun control group: "We think it's wrong to sell guns with roses. The roses make you think everything is sweet and harmless, and then you open the box and there's a gun inside! Guns and roses do not mix. Why, one of our younger members informed me just this morning that the combination of guns and roses can lead to an increased appetite for destruction. In fact, we believe that the Valentine's Day Massacre could have been avoided had our ban on guns and roses been in effect in 1929."

When informed that Guns N' Roses was in fact a rock band, the spokeman replied, 'Oh. Well, what did you expect? I'm a clueless dork who listens to Enya and Zamfir."

Welcome to the Jungle, baby.
His Mind Might Be Beautiful, But How Did It Smell?

Regarding "A Beautiful Mind"... it was nice to see that Hollywood left out at least one annoying cliche that usually pops up in any film that deals with science: the "Eureka!" scene, when the scientist is thunderstruck by a key inspiration. He scribbles down something cryptic or spews out something like "Of course! It's so simple!", and then thirty seconds later they're handing him the Nobel prize. I dunno, maybe that's the way it works with the Nobel for screenwriting.

On the downside, another subtler cliche managed to sneak in there: all guys who went to college in the Forties or early Fifties are wisecracking, well-groomed skirt-chasing party boys who wear a lot of plaid. Such were all of Nash's friends.

Come on, people. There were mathematicians. Where was the unwashed hair? The pocket protectors? The wrinkled, mismatched clothing with mustard stains? The inappropriate butt-scratching? Hell, Nash was the geekiest of the bunch and nuts, but even he managed to be colour-coordinated and dandruff-free throughout the whole thing, even in the mental hospital. His math pals could've been posing for the Sears catalog in between spells of driving their socially-inept chum to the madhouse.

Me, I'm lining up now for the film version of "The Man Who Loved Only Numbers"... two equation-packed hours of Paul Erdos getting wired on speed and drawing crazy Venn diagrams! Don't ya dare miss it!

Oh, and remind me some time to tell you about my complex numbers instructor and his "discipline of the army and holiness of the church" speech. Now there was a mathematics grad student for the ages.

Thursday, February 21, 2002

In Space, No One Can Hear You Suck

Lance Bass of N'Sync wants to buy a ride into space.

We here at Happy Fun Pundit think this is a great idea. In fact, this is such a good idea that we think NASA should extend an invitation to The BackStreet Boys, Britney Spears, and Celine Dione to all travel into space in a custom space ship. Piloting the ship would be none other than Steve Miller, who after all is a space cowboy. He is also a perfect match for Celine and Britney, who are in desperate need of being spoken to of the pompetous of love.

The trip won't be as expensive as you might think, because there would be no need to return any of them to Earth.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002

Happy Fun Sermonette

Reflecting on the recent turmoil at the Olympics, I cannot help but wonder: where did the figure skating judges look for guidance? When they needed to decide right from wrong, where did they look? We don't know for sure, but I think can safely conclude that they made a poor place. Not to get up on a high horse, but really: isn't there one authoritative place we can look for moral and ethical guidance? Isn't there one man, born long ago, to whom those judges could've looked and saw, in his example, a guide for their own lives? One man who's uniquely qualified to tell us when we are right and when we are wrong?

Couldn't all the judges and skaters and referees make the world a better place by asking themselves, when push comes to shove, one simple question:

What would Brian Boitano do?

Ralph Nader to the Rescue!

Ralph Nader Speaks out.

If you were ever in doubt as to Ralph Nader's credentials as the saviour of humanity, the above article should put your fears to rest. In it we learn:

  • The terrorists would not have attacked on Sept. 11 if he were president. (See, he would have locked the cockpit doors. And God knows there's no way around THAT.)

  • In a profound moment of insight, Ralph tells us that "letting people destroy you encourages violence." (Who'd have guessed?)

  • Ralph believes in a strong defense, in the sense that "health and safety means security." (Wait, Achmed! The dung-eating Americans are buckling up and installing 5 mph bumpers on their cars! They are invincible!)

  • Nader is very worried about civil liberties. Unless, of course, you are talking about the liberty to eat what you want, buy what you want, work where you want and for how much you are willing to negotiate, the liberty to advertise and sell your products, the liberty to make your own decisions on personal safety, or the freedom to keep the money you earn. But other than that, he's solidly behind personal liberty, as long as it doesn't effect the environment or result in your becoming slightly wealthier.

  • Ralph's idea of 'corporate reform' is to require every corporation in America to engage in mandatory advertising for consumer action groups.

  • When asked how the pacifist Green Party would wage war, he said that "this kind of terrorism is tolerated and bred by poverty, injustice, dictatorships, destitution and human suffering." (In other words, "every time someone attacks us, we'll write them a check. Then they'll never attack us again." Good thinking, Poindexter).

  • As President, Nader will bring his vast consumer-safety experience into play. For example, all military hardware will be modified to make sure it can't hurt anyone. After all, safety is security.

Okay, I made that last one up. You can tell, because it's the most reasonable item on the whole damned list. Someone, PLEASE contact the mothership and have this guy returned to his home planet.

Tuesday, February 19, 2002

No Fatalities Caused By Washington Post Article... So Far

Pig-To-Human Transplants Worry Some

Someone at the Washington Post "Vaguely Ominous" desk worked overtime on this one. The short story: researchers who have not busied themself manufacturing cute kittens have come up with a a genetically modified pig strain that may produce offspring which have hearts that won't trigger a human immune response, thus making it at least theoretically possible to transplant them into humans. But, says the WaPo, "many scientific and ethical questions remain, scientists said Sunday."

The first nine paragraphs are just the facts, ma'am... the scientific issues and timelines. By then, the Editor must have been concerned:

MEMO: Re Pig Heart Story: Dude --- 10 grafs in and no concern/worry/woe/threats. Fix!

So we get these:

No one knows for sure whether pigs can survive without alpha-1-galactose. But if they can, the animals could be raised to supply hearts and kidneys for human transplants.

Scientists will have to test the process first by transplanting the pig organs into other animals, such as baboons. Another worry is whether the organs will carry pig viruses that could be harmful to people, especially if they spread from the organ recipient to others.[Emphasis added]

Another worry? What was the first one? "whether pigs can survive without alpha-1-galactose" is the only candidate, but frankly, it's not eating away at my stomach lining --- it's scientific question that will be answered in due time. But, maybe I'm picking nits. Next graf:

Bach said people should debate whether the risk, however remote, is worth taking.

HEAVY MAN: To pig or not to pig, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler of the mind to take my chances with the possible pig virus, or to freakin' die when my heart gives out.
WIFE: Tough call, baboo. Without the new heart, you may never ride your minibike again. On the other hand, you may contract a pig virus.

Look, "Todd" from the "Superfans" sketches on SNL ate pig's knuckles all the time, and he was killed several times by heart attacks, never by virii.

"We live in a world of risk, and this is an additional risk," said Bach. "If the medical establishment imposes this on the public and there is a potential risk, I feel ethically we have to go to the public."

The second sentence has me baffled.

MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT: Look pal, here's how it is. You will have a pig heart transplanted into your body. End of story.
HEAVY MAN: But --- but --- the virus...

Reminds me of the time the medical establishment imposed abdominal surgery on me to fix the spleen rupturing internal bleeding oy glaven... pushy bastards, I tell ya. But what else is Bach trying to say? That the risks should be made public? You mean they weren't gonna be made public?

MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT: Look pal, here's how it is. You will have a pig heart transplanted into your body. End of story.
HEAVY MAN: Swell! Thanks for imposing this risk free procedure on me.
MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT: You're welcome.... (whispering) fool...

However, Cooper said the decision should be left to regulatory agencies, which have the expertise to wade through the highly technical arguments on both sides.

Now I'm worried.

All pig cells carry a so-called retrovirus that is harmless to them, but no one knows what it might do to humans.

Call me crazy, but we could do some so-called research with so-called "human cells" to examine the so-called effects. But wait --- could it be that the so-called scientists have considered this so-called issue?

Scientists are working with a strain of pigs that cannot spread this virus to human cells. However, Bach said he is concerned about possible pig viruses that have not been discovered yet.

Like, what if there's some evil pig bug that will mutate humans into superstrong but indiscreet brain-eating zombies? That is another worry, isn't it? On the other hand, humans and pigs have been cohabitating for several thousand years, and nothing's turned up yet --- unless, of course, the Medical Establishment has been hiding something...

Cooper responded that scientists can only guard against viruses and other hazards that have been identified. "You deal with all the known problems, but if you worry about unknown problems you will never make any success in any branch of science."

Well, thank heavens someone's got their freakin' head on straight.

The WaPo article also ignores the fact that mature technology exists to guard against pig virus infection. One well-understood technology involves coating the pig tissue with a mix of bay leaf, clove, cinnamon, pepper, salt, and rosemary. Make 15-20 small knife cuts and insert a sliver of garlic in each one. Preheat oven to 475 and cook for 30 minutes. Reduce temperature to 325 (allowing oven to cool) and cook for another 20-30 to an internal temperature of 150-155. Remember to rest the tissues for 15 minutes before carving.
Happy Fun Pundit Classifieds

For Sale: Ice skating judge. Slightly used. Bad fur, no spine. Contact: French Figure Skating Federation. Willing to trade. Make offer.

For Sale: "Jihad Boys" eponymous debut cd. Rare edition showing original 'Shy One' before tragic martyring. Includes hit singles: "Ululating Louie", "Blow Me (Up)", and rare cover of "Sympathy for the Devil". Slightly stained.

Personal: SWMT, 45, bad kidneys. Enjoys crouching like a rat in caves, plotting overthrow of west, rectal ablutions. Wishes to meet female with own burkha for anonymous fun. Must be willing to travel, eat bats, degrade self, wail like banshee. Contact "The Big O".

Monday, February 18, 2002

Media Bias? Nah!

This is how CNN just described Bush's plan to finally authorize the nuclear waste repository in Yucca Mountain:
"President Bush has announced a new scheme to turn Nevada into a nuclear burial ground."

Followed, of course, by clips of 'concerned experts' worried about terrorist attacks, transportation, leakage, and schedule slippage. Not a single positive comment on Yucca Mountain.

If you want to spin Yucca Mountain in a negative way, how about pointing out the waste and inefficiency of a government that will approve a site, spend tens of billions of dollars on it, then kill it for political reasons? Someone like Jeff Greenfield might make that point.

Oh yeah, CNN cancelled him. Or perhaps he was engulfed by the rapacious swelling ego of Aaron Brown.

The Yucca Mountain Website: Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository

Sunday, February 17, 2002


In an effort to raise the standards of journalism here at Happy Fun Pundit, we have brought in a Professional Journalist to make a thoughtful, reasoned analysis of the figure skating situation. Take it, PJ:

Thank you, Dan and Steve. As you may now, this week the Canadian Olympic delegation lodged a protest over the judging of the pairs figure skating event.

That was a mistake.

In this professional journalist's opinion, this is a fight that cannot be won. The International Skating Union and the International Olympic Committtee have spent years dealing with this sort of situation; the Olympics are not called "the graveyard of protestors" without reason. People: take the silver. Be happy. The protest will end in a no-win situation: a quagmire, if you would, with endless resources tied up in --- I'm sorry, what was that? They did? Another gold? AWW, FOR HECK'S SAKE! Why can't my frickin' quagmire predictions be right JUST ONCE? I want the bad guys to be unassailable so that I won't feel so bad about never getting sex. DAGNABBIT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GIGGLING ABOUT? YOU GUYS ARE SUCH JERKS!stomp stomp stomp SLAM!

Let's hear it for Professional Journalist, ladies and gentlemen.

polite applause
Happy Fun Correction

The previous posting stated that the idea of an Arafat/porn story was brought forward by sexologist Alfred Kinsey, and further that Kinsey was the singer for Third Eye Blind. The idea was in fact due to bellicose woman Kathy Kinsley of On The Third Hand ,whom I have not seen naked.

We apologize for any confusion this poor fact-checking and sloppy attribution may have caused.
Happy Fun Pundit Censured

HFP is under fire from very mean people for allegedly suppressing coverage of the Arafat/pornography story which broke this week; instead of the shocking story, HFP chose to instead have a dumb wallpaper gag where Arafat accuses everybody of being an Israeli spy and ha-ha-ha, aren't we ever so clever. According to the shadowy figures behind HFP, the porn story (in which Arafat denied any knowledge of a copy of the "Winter 2001 Martyr Chicks Calendar" issue of "Maxim For Muslims" found beneath his bed) was not newsworthy. HFP instead chose to focus on such important issues as:

  • a yard sale
  • submarines in shopping malls
  • cute kittens
  • dumb things that public figures said
  • the French Olympic skating judge's outerwear

    Other charges levelled against the Happy Fun lovable rogues included:
  • immaturity
  • lack of integrity
  • poor fact-checking
  • sloppy attribution
  • making stuff up
  • continuing to write in a journalistic third-person style even when making stuff up
  • having enough Attention Deficit Disorder to distract the Mormon Tabernacle Choir from a private screening of "Debbie Does Salt Lake City"

    The Arafat/porn story, brought to HFP's attention by Alfred Kinsley, the famous sexologist and singer for "Third Eye Blind", was thought particularly suitable for Happy Fun coverage due to the comic possibilties of the story. For instance, if Arafat had four wives, which one found the mag under his bed and would she be called "#3 wife" or what, and did she do one of those Mrs. Roper things where she'd say, "Believe me, Yasser hasn't had a long-range missile in years!"; these would all be pretty funny. We can only hope that Steve and Dan eventually grow up, get their priorities straight, and devote their prodigious energies to something other than dope jokes.