There is a new threat to the nation. I am speaking, of course, of Radical Cheerleaders. A horrific combination of bad clothing, bad music, and bad ideas, they have descended upon the nation's revered institutions in massive numbers exceeding at least two people.
Normally, I have a fair amount of tolerance for cheerleaders. Short skirts and lots of bouncing create a climate of appeasement in my fevered brain which causes me to overlook the sillier aspects of the 'sport'. But these are radical cheerleaders. And not a Gen-X, 'extreme' sort of radicalism that might be interesting. Oh no, these are the unkempt, unshaven, histrionic kinds of radicals that give me heartburn. I have no desire to see such people bouncing around in short skirts, legs akimbo. I might accidentally see something that causes a certain kind of mental trauma that would not please Mrs. Happy Fun Pundit.
I quote from this press release from the 'Rainforest Action Network':
The radical cheerleaders entered the Citibank at noon disrupting the business and educating customers with performances of cheers such as "Hey Citi you're so blind, you're so blind, you're so blind you blow my mind. Hey Citi!' shouted the radical cheerleaders erratically dressed in short skirts and florescent tights to the tune the Bangle's 80's hit "Hey Micky!"
We've come a long way from the Black Panthers, baby. Apparently, the 'education' of the customers did not include grammar or spelling. It also did not include music trivia, because I'm pretty sure that the chant was based on a Tony Basil song called "Mickey". The Bangles made an entirely different type of bad music.
I'm also not sure why these people were proud to be dressed 'erratically'. My four year old daughter dresses erratically. Perhaps I have been lax in not seeing this as a desperate cry for help from the oppression of the Kindergarten Proletariat. My bad.
Another gang of Radical Cheerleaders has descended upon the nation's beloved Taco Bell franchise. They are protesting the treatment of farm workers on a tomato farm in Florida. So of course Taco Bell is at fault, because they buy tomatoes. According to "Worker's World", one of the nation's premier sources of nutbar press releases, the workers on this farm are 'surrounded by barbed wire' and forced to work in 'cell-like buildings'. Sounds pretty ominous until you realize that just about EVERY farm worker is 'surrounded by barbed wire' (instead of say, being surrounded by rogue cows). And 'cell-like' buildings can be found on pretty much every farm, as long as you are willing to stretch the definition of a 'cell' to mean 'any smallish building with a door' as the Worker's World apparently does.
But I have some sympathy for the Taco Bell protestors. Because I hate that damned Chihauha. So in that spirit, I have made up a new cheer for the Taco Bell radical cheerleaders:
Hey hey, my my,
The Taco Bell dog has got to die.
Don't even need a reason why,
Let's make that rat-sized doggy fry!
I'll be there as soon as I get my skirt on.