Saturday, April 20, 2002

Time Wounds All Heels

After weeks of controversy that have almost torn the blogger world apart, Happy Fun Pundit has obtained exclusive photographs of the "footwear heard around the world", to wit: Virginia Postrel's shoes (click for larger image).



Not quite so sensible as some would have us believe, but not the fabled three-inch uber-pumps that some may have hoped for. Incidentally, if anyone needs Vodkapundit, he'll be in the bathroom with his laptop for the next while.

In a related story, Happy Fun Pundit will be holding a seminar for budding photographers demonstrating why you should introduce yourself and explain what the joke is before taking pictures of womens' footwear. Also, thanks to everyone who asked; the doctor says I should have partial vision in that eye in a couple of weeks.

I'll have more pictures from the LA Press Club Blogfest up soon, but I wanted to give everyone a fair chance to get their bribes in.

Thursday, April 18, 2002

Politically Incorrect Update

Well, it looks like Politically Incorrect is not quite dead yet. And that may be okay, because there were two hilarious moments and one interesting one on the show this week.

Item #1: Ted Rall is a Big Poop-Face

On the April 10 show, the following exchange occured between evangalist nutbar John Lofton (no stranger to cranial poop himself) and Ted Rall:
Ted Rall: You people don't believe in God anyway.
Because if you believed in God, you wouldn't be up here attacking [Lesbian Sizanne Westenhoefer, another guest] and acting like a big jerk in front of all these people because you know you'd be called on the carpet court in the future.

[ Cheers and applause ]

John Lofton: Hey, a devastating attack by Ted! Well, you know what, Ted? You're a big poop face, you know? I'm not a big jerk.
You're a big poop face.


Item #2: Bill's Funny Joke

This is the funniest joke Bill Maher has told for a long time:

Well, today, if you don't know, was equal payday.
That is an attempt to highlight the gap between what men and women earn.
There was a rally on Capitol Hill with Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy.

Ted made a terrible Freudian slip when he said it was a shame when women were prevented from rising to the top by a glass windshield.


Item #3: Hollywood Agrees - Arabs are the Enemy:

On Tuesday's show, the panel consisted of Jimmy "J.J" Walker, Jane Chastain from Judicial Watch, Richard Kind from "Spin City", and country artist Tammy Cochran. They were amazingly hawkish about what needs to be done in the war. Sample exchange:
Jimmie Walker: The reason we're getting bombed is 'cause we were on one side, and we're gonna remain on that side.
We can't waver because these are our enemies right now.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna say it out loud.
The Arabs, that's right, are our enemies.
That's right.

[ Applause ]

You heard me.

Bill Maher: Why should he back off, even a little bit? Why does the world hold Israel to a standard that no other country would ever have to answer to?

[ Applause ]

That's what I don't understand, is that we were attacked by terrorists, and we occupied a country, and we had to kill some innocent Afghani civilians, but that's what happens in war.
Some civilians do get killed.

Jimmie Walker: See, Arafat doesn't have anything to do with this.
These people are very upset, obviously, from 9/11.
You can see that they're quite perturbed.
This thing is never gonna be over until there's a tremendous warlike effort from either Israel, the United States or both.
And it has to be definite.
It has to be severe.
And it has to be serious punishment.
There can't be any of this watching and waiting.

Richard Kind: You know what? I'm gonna backtrack a little.
I agree with you 100%.

Bill Maher: There is more evidence that Arafat is a terrorist than there is Bin Laden's a terrorist, and we all know Bin Laden is a terrorist.
If it was Arafat bombing us, he would be the evildoer, and his picture would be on the toilet paper.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

It's this amazing hypocrisy from this administration that when it's Israeli lives, pull back, they don't count, it doesn't matter.
And that's why the world hates us, because --

Jimmie Walker: The world hates us, but the bottom line is we're gonna have to show the world why they hate us by bombing the hell out of some people that have been hurting us.
That's all.
That's the end of it.

Bill Maher: Jimmie, I'm with you on that.
Idi Amin to Become Head of U.N. Human Rights Commission

Fresh from its recent victory in declaring terrorism a good thing, the U.N. Human Rights Commission has voted to make Idi Amin its new head.

"Idi Amin is perfect for the job", said an anonymous commission member, "He's rested, tanned, and ready to take on the serious challenges facing the Commission, such as how best to deflect blame from our own, uh, 'creative' treatment of our citizens."

Amin's nomination suffered a minor setback when he ate the junior statesman from Zambia, but in true U.N. style the problem was explained away when they passed an emergency resolution recognizing Amin's right to nourishment. "We think it's terrible when a former strongman like Amin has to go hungry. We blame the United States for pushing him to this extreme act. And while we don't condone the eating of U.N. members, we do recognize the basic right to nourishment for all humans. Mr. Amin was simply expressing that right."

Now that the election is over, the U.N. Human Rights Commission has announced that it is tackling the important problem of torture in jails. First up: Sheriff Andy Taylor of Mayberry, who has been accused of being a 'penal terrorist' by the Ambassador from Cuba for keeping prisoners in a small cell while children taunt them and a deputy with a whining voice annoys them all day and threatens them with his bullet.

When reached for comment by telephone, the Cuban minister of grotesque punishment replied, "Could you speak up? I can't hear you over the screaming and sobbing."
Arafat In Verse

Apparently, Wednesday is poetry day in blogland... dammit, nobody ever tells me when it's League Night. Anyhow, better late than never:

Yasser Arafat a Few Months Ago

The Americans?
Great Allah, who cares about them?
They're irrelevant.

Ship full of weapons?
I don't know nothin' about no
Ship full of weapons.

Ariel Sharon?
Sharon can eat my skivvies.
I got his number.

Suicide bombers?
You think I to control them?
I'm a peacemaker!

Yasser Arafat, April 3rd

Screw the Israelis!
They won't dare mess with me --- hey!
What's that noise outside?

Excuse me, Chairman,
But I believe your jeep is
Parked under my tank.

Euro activists
All over my headquarters
Human shields don't bathe.

Arafat, April 17th

Powell as Cartman:
Screw you guys --- I'm going home.
And don't call me "dove".

"I can't go outside
Jews will shoot my damn head off
Help me, America!"

Thank you, thank you. I'll be selling my book of poems at the back after the show. Please support the arts.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

The Kids are All Right - And Swimming In Pork

Today I was perusing the wonderful 2002 Congressional Pig Book, put out by the Citizens Against Government Waste, and one of the items that caught my eye was a $200,000 grant to something called "Rockin' The Schools", a program of the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame.

"Just what the kids need," thought I. Finally, a program to teach the finer points of rock n' roll, which will hopefully help to wean them off of excrescence like NKOTB and Britney. But alas, it was not to be. Follow me, as we go on a magical mystery tour of the curriculum of "Rockin' the Schools":

Multiculturalism and Music – An exploration of the diverse cultures that have contributed to Rock and Roll. The lesson will include audio and visual discussions and culminate with a challenging scavenger hunt throughout the museum. Ages 10 and up.

Ooh! A multicultural scavenger hunt! Follow the "Miles Davis Spit-Valve Trail" to the infamous "Couch of Hidden Roaches". See if you can find what's hiding at the bottom of the "Jimi Hendrix Pail of Mystery!" But the toughest one of all is the "Open Up!" exhibit - there's a knock at the door, and youv'e got 30 seconds to find and flush your entire stash before 'The Man' kicks it in and harshes your buzz.

The Life and Work of John Lennon – Students will learn about the social and historical context of Lennon’s work: his own political and philosophical ideas, how they evolved during the late 1960s and 1970s, and how his work, as reflected in his art, changed the world of popular music. Ages 12 and up.

See, the thing is that Lennon's politics sucked, and any music he made that had a heavy political emphasis also sucked. The best stuff he did was his earlier work when he was writing Rock and Roll. Remember Rock and Roll? This is supposed to be a course about Rock and Roll. Instead, we're going to get a 90 minute treatise on the heavy political insight of John Lennon after he ate the psilocybin mushrooms at a Ravi Shankar bong festival. And I'll bet Imagine plays over, and over, and over... This could account for the high number of suicides amongst the Lennon curators.

I must admit, I did like the giant animatronic Yoko Ono that comes through with a Beatle hanging from its jaws.

Hip-Hop: A Cultural Expression – An interactive discussion and exploration of the artistic expressions of hip-hop culture. Hip-hop’s connections to disciplines such as English, art, music, and dance will also be introduced. The lesson will demonstrate how hip-hop can be a positive form of self-expression. Ages 12 and up.

That is, unless the instructor's bitch kicks the shizzit out of him for blowing the rent money on crack, or his homeys come by and bust a cap in his ass for thinking that he can gain street cred by teaching school kids instead of selling drugs to them.

Mercifully, the section on Hip-Hop's connections to English, art, and music is only about 30 seconds long, allowing you to hear it and still have time to see the new drive-by shooting exhibit.

Songs of Social Protest: The Vietnam Era – An interdisciplinary journey using song, politics, history and artifacts from the museum’s permanent collection to understand the connection between music, war, and social protest. Ages 16 and up.

This is a fun exhibit. I liked the game where you have to try to rhyme words with "coagulating". That was a toughie. There's also a unit that explains how to get laid by a hippie chick by quoting just the right passages from Joan Baez songs. Quote the wrong ones and not only do you not get laid, but you've got a damned JOAN BAEZ song running around in your brain for the rest of the day. So pick carefully.

But this course needs more government money for their new "Haight-Ashbury - A Tapestry of Smells" exhibit.

”This stuff is curling my hair!” The First Amendment and Rock Music – Is it trash, porn, or art? Or something else? Ages 16 and up.

Aw jeez, do I have to pick just one? What if I like my porn trashy and artistic? Is the world of Rock N' Roll forever closed to me?

And from that title, you just KNOW that this program was written by the Tipper Gore Rockin' Mamas or someone like that. Rock curls your hair? Curling your hair is nothing, man. REAL Rock N' Roll makes your gums bleed.

Girls Rock: A Listening and Visual History of Women in Popular Music – From Bessie Smith to Brittany Spears, the history of women in popular music embraces many of the most important social, political, and artistic issues of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries. Ages 12 and up (modified, as appropriate for the grade level and student interest).

Issues like just what kind of trouble there will be when your boyfriend gets back, especially if he's got the key to your brand-new rollerskates. And do girls really just wanna have fun? Discuss amongst yourselves.

And I guess the age-appropriate limits mean the kindergarten kids don't get to see the Wendy O. Williams exhibit. Too bad - I just signed my daughter up for a creative piercing class, and this would have been a great resource.

Kids Can Rock – A hands-on workshop and activity that teaches younger audiences about the beginnings of rock and roll music by making their own instrument: the “diddley-bow.” (ages 6-12)

And wouldn't you know it? The best stuff gets saved for the young'uns. That's okay by me - at least we'll get to them before their brains have been taken over by Britney and they become pod people. And aw, isn't the 'Diddley-bow' a cute play on words? Come with me children, while we sing real music, to the Diddley-bow beat!

Now let's tell a little story with the Bo Diddley Beat,
About a little piggie in a congressional seat.
Gotta find some voters before they stick in a fork,
So he went home to mama with a little bit of pork.

Now Bo Diddley is rolling over,
(Bo Diddley is rolling over)
Bo Diddley is rolling over!
(Bo Diddley is rolling over!)

Bo Diddley, Bo Diddley have you heard?
Uncle Sam's payin' for a steaming turd.
Two hundred grand for a music class,
About as appealing as David Crosby's ass.

Gonna have their little brains filled with politics and mush,
And real bad music that deserves to be flushed.
Their gonna hear Britney and the New Kids too,
Instead of gettin' down with the Stones or The Who.

Now Bo Diddley is rolling over,
(Bo Diddley is rolling over)
Bo Diddley is rolling over!
(Bo Diddley is rolling over!)
A Note from the Chairman

Hi gang,

I don't want to be The Man here, but it has recently come to my attention that some of you have been committing suicide using explosive belts. I'm not going to get up in your face about making that lifestyle choice, but a little bird also tells me that some of you are detonating yourselves near other people. How do I know this? Because there's a lot of really upset Jewish fellers outside my office right now, asking what I'm going to do about it.

Guys: you're called suicide bombers, not homicide bombers. For Pete's sake, people, a little common sense goes a long way. If you blow yourself up in hotel dining rooms or crowded markets, somebody's going to get hurt. So please: show a little consideration, and don't hit the button until you're certain that nobody else is nearby. Don't spoil martyrdom for everyone.

Despite all the foregoing kvetching, I'll say what everybody already knows: I love you guys and I'm proud of you.

Big hugs,

Yasser

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Learn to Parallel Park, Jacques!

Ah, the French. Where would the world be without their culture, their wine, their baguettes, and their savage beatings of driving instructors?

Yes, that's right: There is an epidemic of driving students in France beating and threatening instructors who fail them.

According to Reuters (french for "to proceed without knowledge"), French Driving Students are Attacking Instructors. From the article:
Some learner drivers who fail their driving test are venting their frustration by threatening examiners with death or rape, often at gunpoint, and attacking their cars, a transport ministry official in charge of driving tests said.

"As well as death and rape threats, and trashing of vehicles, there are physical attacks," Jean-Francois Verdier told Reuters, a week before the first round of a presidential election where crime is a crunch issue.

"Threats at gunpoint are not rare," he added.

Verdier said candidates, some of whom had failed their test for the tenth time, often rounded up friends to attack examiners and their cars.


Yeah, but the attackers keep giving away their position by grinding gears and stalling their cars while trying to shift.

The lesson from this? If the U.S. is ever attacked by a nation of insane driving instructors, the French will be right with us. Just as soon as they can figure out how to work those funny pedals on the floor.

Monday, April 15, 2002

Course Offerings, Spring 2002

BAD PEOPLE 101
Intended Audience: Peace demonstrators. Left-leaning journalists. Fuzzy thinkers of all stripes. People who say "live and let live" to everything. White guys with dreadlocks.

Instructor: A large, truculent Canadian who hasn't had his morning coffee yet.

Curriculum: The instructor will choose a student at random and start beating the crap out of him or her. The student will attempt to reason with the instructor and negotiate a cease-beating. The instructor will periodically rest and replace the foil on his knuckles while nodding thoughtfully and pretending to listen to the student, then continue the beating until the student stops moving. The process will continue until either all students are unconscious, or have banded together and started fighting back.

Required Materials: First aid kit. Please bring your own blood; no transfusions will be permitted on college property out of respect for crackpot religious groups.

Additional Notes: All students will be required to sign a waiver absolving the College and the instructor of any responsibility for injury or loss incurred during class time. In exchange, the instructor will sign a treaty guaranteeing "security" for students as long as they don't "irritate" him. Note, however, that the instructor does not and will not acknowledge the students' right to exist.

Take-home Message:Course participants will gain the valuable insight that it's pointless to try to reason with unreasonable people. Some people can't be reasoned with, period.
The Son of the Return of the Rise of the Triumph of Ugly American Imperialism

Despite insufferable rhetoric and posturing by the American administration, it has become obvious to this editorialist that America has learned nothing from the 9/11 attacks, and continues to export terror and treat the rest of the world as its trash can. Read this case in point.

Look: Canada has enough problems of its own without this kind of nonsense. This is a made-in-America problem, and frankly, you need to deal with it within your own borders. Canada didn't convince this gel-headed moron that he was leading man material. Canada was perfectly happy to accept him for what he was: a perfectly good character player when in the hands of a competent director like David Mamet (see, for example, "Glengarry Glen Ross" or "State and Main"). But could you leave well enough alone? Of course not! This is America! We're all about Schumpeter's creative destruction! Well, you certainly managed to creatively destroy a lot of movies; I'm still receiving therapy for the trauma inflicted by "The Shadow", and on windy nights I imagine I can hear "Prelude to a Kiss" scratching at my window, trying to get in and bland me to death.

So next time you ask yourself, "Why do they hate us?", I suggest you take a look at this root cause.
Back Away From the Trough, Fritz!

Well, since it's about tax time this year, I thought I might post a few blogs here and there about the more noteworthy piggies rooting around the government trough.

Today's winner is the inestimable (French for "purchased with money") Fritz Hollings, for siphoning even more cash in 2001 for the Limehouse Bridge ("allowing golfers to drive on a bed of soft taxpayer money"), and the Charleston Monorail. Hollings was apparently moved to action by word that Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbook already had such a system.

According to Hollings, the the $40 million Monorail is important to Charleston to help it attract conventions which according to Hollings, "will pump thousands of dollars into the local economy." Math was apparently not Fritz's strong suit in school.

No word yet on Hollings' controversial "Escalator To Nowhere" project.

Sunday, April 14, 2002

Warbloggerwatchwatch

We interrupt "America's Top Ten Clone Countdown" to bring you two too precious sentences from Some Dumb Guy:

The first thing I'm struck by is how mediocre and third-rate the writing is. That's too be expected, I suppose.

You can't buy this kind of material.

Coming up next: clones!

Send In the Clones!

Happy Fun Pundit would like to go on record as strongly endorsing the proposed ban on cloning research put forward by the United States adminstration. In fact, we believe that the proposed ban does not go far enough in protecting innocent cells. For example, every 28 days, virtually every young woman in America ends a potential [Don't go there - Ed]
less-than-fresh feeling is all about.

Furthermore, bioscientists across Canada favour stringent research bans, knowing full well that such a move will drive a great many smart researchers north of the 49th (nb: due to space limitations, scientists with existing funding will be given priority). The resulting exodus cannot help but ease the shortage of affordable housing in biotech centers such as Silicon Valley and the Boston biotech corridor.

And what about the supposed beneficiaries of such research? My eleven-year-old niece has an inborn error of metabolism known as PKU, which means she has to explain to substitute teachers that eating a cheese sandwich will give her brain damage. I asked my niece if she wanted holes in her cheek (which is the usual source for template cells) or to be injected with ground-up babies.

"No!", she quickly replied.

"Even if it means you can eat cheese sandwiches?"

"Uncle Steve, you're weird."

There you have it: the "wisdom of repungnance" on the lips of an eleven-year-old. And anybody who watches TV knows that childish wisdom is pretty much always spot-on.

In conclusion: if we don't ban the clones for the children, the terrorists will have won.

Stay tuned for more of the All-Clone Weekend on Happy Fun Pundit --- all clones, all the time!