Friday, April 26, 2002

U.S. Military Creating Odor Bomb

The United States military is seeking to develop the ultimate “Stink Bomb“.

The idea is to make a bomb that can be set off in an unruly crowd, which creates an odor so noxious that everyone leaves. No word yet on whether Roseanne Barr would be drafted to aid the research.

Warning: Does not work on members of al-Qaida or Yasser Arafat, all of whom have all developed an immunity to bad odor.

But we here at Happy Fun Pundit applaud the military's creative bomb-making, and in that spirit would like to offer some other bombs that could be used for crowd control:
  • The Jesse Jackson Bomb: When released, it begins making a long, boring speech about the needs of the poor, and then robotic arms spring out and force people to hand over all their money.
  • The Michael Bellesiles Bomb: When set off, it lies to everyone about the location of the riot so that they all go to the wrong place. And the best thing is, it's apparently reusable.
  • The Michael Moore Bomb: When detonated, it begins to utter incoherent and confusing statements until the crowd loses all sense of direction and disperses. It may also have a secondary odor release mode.
  • The Tom Daschle Bomb: When released, it begins droning on about how disappointed it is with all the rioters, and doesn't stop until the crowd is asleep. Then it brings in the Jesse Jackson bomb to take everyone's money.
  • The Tom Ridge Bomb:: Okay, here's the thing. When it's ready to go off, there will be a yellow indicator. If the indicator turns green, that means it could go off at any time. However, if it turns orange, that means that it probably won't go off now, but could at any time. The Fuscia indicator, on the other hand...
  • The VodkaPundit bomb, which when detonated releases thousands of test tubes of Bacardi shots. When the crowd awakens the next morning it discovers that it is engaged to the Vodkapundit bomb.
The face of warfare will never be the same again.
All Your Jew Chicks are Belong to Us!

Happy Fun Pundit translators have produced an authoritative interpretation of the weirdo sermonette that's going around Saudi-land. The text is a speech by some guy named All-Burka-All-The-Time who knows a guy who knows the King, and is a Wasabi Priest. I'll tell ya, that Wasabism is one religion that'll blow your sinuses clean. All-Burka is the Saudi Jerry Lewis and hosted a telethon for moral dystrophy

Unfortunately, our grasp of Arabic is somewhat tenuous, but I think we did OK with the important parts:

Dudes! It's gnarly and it's bogus, but the sitch in Palestine has so gotta go ballistic! When your wave comes, you ride it! How many buds have wiped out in Pacific Palisades, San Onofre and Sunset Ronaldo Beach LA!!

Why do we cop a 'tude when our buds get nailed? As long as they don't buy it at your pad and mess the place up, s'cool.

Are you going to go out stinky, or put on some antiperspirant? Do you want to burn brightly or for a long time, you smelly sonofabitch?

Do you want to be like Supertramp and take the long way home, or die like Ernest Borgnine in that movie Marty? A debt that you will be forgiven as soon as you give them the boodle.

When we don't refrigerate the perishables, we start to smell hummus many times over.

Oh Palestinian Authority, don't you see that you are tested once or twice a year, and blow 0.5%, easily? Why don't you take a cab?

Isn't it time to wage jihad, and call for Holy War? Oh, wait, we did that last week, and twice the week before that, and ... sumbitch, there's a whole lotta jihad going on. OK, I'm pretending that I'm not ragging on Egypt here, but I really am. Hey, Egypt, why don't you be a bunch of agreement-breaking swine like Yasser and the boys? Hell, guys, looks how well they've done. Also, you should watch "The River"; it prefigures the over-the-top Crispin Glover that has since come to fruition.

The agreements which cancelled Futurama, and The Tick (live action and cartoon), and most other watchable TV, should be demolished, and the network execs responsible have their asses kicked.

One call would embarass the Jews in the land of Islam, probably by pointing out that they have the worst lawn on the block, and what's up with the democracy thing?

Allah Allah bo Ballah Banana Banna Fo Falla Me My Mo Malla --- Allah!

I am against America until this show ends, until Judge Judy comes on;

I am against America even if I'm too stoned on green beer to understand it.

My hatred of America, if part of it was contained in the universe, it would collapse. On the face of it, this statement makes no sense, sort of like that swirly thing at the "edge of the galaxy" that always causes problems on Star Trek.

She is the root of all evils, and wickedness on earth. She can ruin your faith with her casual lies. She can take what you give her, she's earned her degree. Blame it all on yourself, 'cause she's always a woman to me.

Who else implanted the tyrants in our land, who else nurtured oppression? Uhm, wait, that was my asshole friend and his ancestors, wasn't it? My bad.

Oh Muslim Ummah don't take the Jews and Christians as allies. Hey hey Ummah, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.

Now comes the soundbite:

Muddling Brothers in Palestine, do not have any mercy nor compassion on the Jews, their blood, their money, their flesh. Not that you have, it's just that your ineptitude has made it seem that way. Their women are yours to take, legitimately. And they don't wear giant fabric birdcages to the beach. God made them yours. Why don't you enslave their women, apart from the fact that they would kick the crap out you. Why don't you wage jihad? Yes, my friends, why not take up the well-proven jihad thang, which has worked out so well every time it's been tried? Now excuse me, my limo is waiting. Give 'em hell, Hamas.

Thursday, April 25, 2002

Post Mortem

I meant to do a post today,
But there really wasn't time,
Believe me, I had lots to say,
But it's twenty after nine.

It would've been a briliant post,
Droll and written with great flair,
But if I'm late today, I'm toast,
And so that witty post ain't there.

It'd would've ripped on Arafat
And his court of kangaroos,
Or make fun of Israeli scat,
But now I've no time to lose.

Viacom lost a billion one,
Sony's losing nine percent,
And X-rays of a fat guy's bum?
How sad that I've no time to vent.

It would've had a funny pic,
And cute made-up dialogue,
But now you'll have to read Bill Quick,
Or maybe look at Alley's Blog.

What is that look you're giving me?
I've tried not to be a jerk,
I've got no time to write, you see?
And don't you people have to work?


Wednesday, April 24, 2002

Life as a Vole

Okay, so here's one of the things I like about the 'blog' revolution - it allows young people a chance to express themselves in a forum where they are judged based on what they write, and not what they look like, how old they are, or whether they are part of the 'in' group. Adolescence is a tough time, because you don't really fit in with the 'kids' any more, yet adults don't treat you as a peer. But the web is one place where young people can escape their adolescent limbo and go as far as their mind can take them.

In that spirit, have a look at this young girl's new blog, Life as a Vole. She's a friend of the family, and judging by her new blog, a pretty sharp and witty young woman.

And besides, she wished me a happy birthday on her site, and she has some very good rules for annoying couples, and she likes Ellen Reid from The Crash Test Dummies. So pop on over, and set a spell.

And it's a great name for a blog, speaking as someone who spent some time in Voleville himself.
Come To Bethlehem! See The Sights, Stay For The War!

According to the Travel Channel, two Japanese tourists took a cab to the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem and walked right through the war zone to visit. From the link:
It was only when news photographers in flak jackets and helmets spotted the oblivious couple and pointed out the bullet-pocked buildings and military hardware around them that they decided to call off their trip to the Christian shrine.

The tourists have proven to be an intelligence bonanza for the Israelis, because they took over 500 pictures of the scene.

In other nativity news, three wise men showed up yesterday, after following a 'star' that turned out to be an Israeli helicopter spotlight. They came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and 500 rounds of 7.62 FMJ ammunition. No one wanted the Myrrh.
Hell Runneth Over

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - in anticipation of a large population growth, the Kingdom of Hell has issued a Request For Proposals soliciting sites for a significant expansion. According to Louis Cyphere, CEO of the Kingdom: "We foresee a need for increased capacity in the coming months, and Earth is the logical place for a branch office. The infrastructure already exists, and the transportation logistics are ideal." Cyphere also hinted that this new expansion will not be for the general population, but for a select subpopulation of the damned. "Let's just say that if you're a really unclean transsexual with a variety of social diseases and a rotten attitude, we'd love to hear from you and seventy one of your friends." Also up for bid are contracts to supply pork and an all-female security staff.

Site bids have been received from:

  • Las Vegas, Nevada
  • Branson, Missouri
  • Israel
  • Saudi Arabia
  • Rank Has Its Privileges

    Ever wonder what it takes to become a member of an appropriations subcommittee? Well, apparently the primary requirement is an insatiable appetite for pork. Let us refer to the bible of government pork, the Congressional Pig Book put out by Citizens Against Government Waste.

    For today's fun, we'll have a look at the Senate Labor/HHS Appropriations Subcommittee. Getting on this committee means you'll be swimming in swag. For example, in FY2002 the committee added almost 312 million dollars 'in committee' for the construction of "health care and other facilities". "In committee" means that this is money that was not requested by bills in either the Senate or the House, but was simply added by committee members, presumably because they saw some compelling needs for the nation that were missed by every member of the House, Senate, Executive Branch, and the citizens of the country. From the Pig Book:
    "Of the 357 facilities cited, 229 are in states that have an appropriator on either the House or Senate Labor/HHS Appropriations subcommittee. That means just 6 percent of Congress (the 32 House and Senate Labor/HHS Appropriations subcommittee members) represented 64 percent of the facilities on the list.

    Sweet. Those committee people are powerful, and get the big campaign donation bucks to prove it..

    Consider the Chairman, Tom Harkin (D-Iowa), who managed to nab $78,978,000 in appropriations for his state. Among them:
    • $3,000,000 for a statewide fiber optics network.
    • $800,000 to train court reporters in captioning.
    • $500,000 for exhibits on the Sullivan Brothers at the 'Grout Museum'.
    • $500,000 for a demonstration project for school testing software.
    • $500,000 for a study on temporary and contingent workers.
    • $389,000 For the ARK museum.

    • $200,000 for the Iowa State University, 'universal kitchen design project'

    But it's not just the chairman that gets to have fun. Ranking member Arlen Spector (R-Pa.) managed to drag almost $50,000,000 out of this committee for his home state, including $700,000 for the 'Please Touch' museum, which includes fascinating exhibits such as a child-size supermarket, where children can go and learn valuable cashiering and shelf-stocking skills. I recommend you keep the kids away from the 'Please Touch' Michael Jackson exhibit.

    The 'Please Touch' museum" actually sounds like a cool place to take a kid, but why this place should be funded by the federal government is beyond me.

    Tuesday, April 23, 2002

    LA Press Club, Bloggers. Bloggers, LA Press Club.

    The stars were out in Los Angeles this past Thursday as the Los Angeles Press Club hosted a "Meet the Bloggers" evening. Drinks were drunk, war stories (or rather, war profit stories) swapped, and a splendid time was had by all. Also, a new phrase was turned: "herding bloggers", which is very similar in meaning to "herding cats", but with the implication that the herdees keep stopping along the way to fill up their drinks and talk to people.

    In attendance: Mindles H. Dreck, Rand Simberg, Rabbit, Steve and Virginia Postrel, Tony Pierce, Scott Rubush, the radiant Emmanuelle Richard and her loutish husband Matt Welch, Laura and her husband Ken Layne, Mickey Kaus, Eugene Volokh, the fellow who'd just been interning at Cato whose name I will apologetically add to the list as soon as I remember it or somebody reminds me, and probably several other people whom I have forgotten (also to be added as soon as my rusty brain locker gets a jolt).

    But, enough of my babbling. I know what you want: PICS!

    I apologize in advance for the poor picture quality; unfortunately, the lighting in the restaurant was not ideal, and I had to do some almighty powerful Photoshop juju to get them to this point. Click on any of the images to see a fullsize (~100k) version.

    Rabbit, Ken Layne, Virginia Postrel, and Eugene Volokh.
    Welch and Layne re-enact a favourite scene from "Cleopatra", while Rand Simberg looks on in horror.
    Welch does his impersonation of Nicholas Cage or Robert DeNiro: "Are you in fact talking to me?" In the background, some guy who kept trying to sneak into the pictures.
    Rabbit demonstrates the dance style from which she gets her nickname, while Rand Simberg looks on in horror.
    Virginia Postrel, Mickey Kaus, Mindles H. Dreck, Rand Simberg, Rabbit
    Some guy, la belle dame Emmanuelle Richard (to whom this picture does a grave injustice), Matt Welch (a rare moment when he had his mouth open and a drink in his hand), Ken Layne, and Rand Simberg (not looking on in horror)

    I'm running late today, or I'd subject you to a full discourse on what is was like going to a party in Shakeytown after ten years of living elsewhere. Another time, though.

    Thanks to Amy and Kathy for bringing all the troublemakers together, and to Matt Welch for the invite.

    Monday, April 22, 2002

    French Protest Selves

    After Jean Marie Le Pen advanced to the run-off election for French President, thousands of French people took to the streets to protest France.

    Said one protestor, "I have just begun to notice that I am a self-absorbed pretentious snot. I oppose this in myself."

    Another protestor who did not wish to be mentioned said, "The other thing I hate about France is how it always protests everything. I protest this."

    The protest was interrupted by an anti-protest protest, but the disruption came to an end when the anti-protest protestors turned on themselves for protesting.

    The French military was called out to suppress the protests, and immediately surrendered to a guy named Jacques, who is now a nuclear power.
    Powell Seeks Help With Peace Process

    Reversing earlier statements that he had no openings for the position of "Washed-Up Peace Maven", Colin Powell has invited former presidents Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter to take an active role in the Israel/Palestine conflict.

    "We are pleased to accept the help of these two men who have contributed so much to America's standing in the Middle East", said Powell, who seemed to be having trouble keeping a straight face. "Mister Carter's management of the Iranian hostage crisis and Mister Clinton's decisive action in dealing with Middle East terrorism clearly show that these guys are where the rubber meets the road." Powell then pretended to sneeze while saying "bozos".

    The two ex-presidents will be dispatched at once to Yasser Arafat's besieged headquarters, where they will share their collective wisdom with the beleaguered Palestinian Authority head. Powell indicated that the two will act as "permanent envoys", and that they shouldn't call him, but rather that he will call them. The two will also be in charge of overseeing the distribution of several thousand gallons of chili that relief agencies have donated.

    It is rumoured that the State Department has been courting other "Double-Secret Goodwill Ambassadors". Names that have come up include Carrot Top, Barbra Streisand, Jerry Falwell, Aaron Sorkin, Alec Baldwin, Robert Altman, all the Hollywood Squares regulars, and most of the New York Times editorial page.

    "We just want peace so much", said an emotional Powell, "that we're willing to put all these fine people in the line of fire. Of course, we're reasonably sure that Israeli forces won't blow up Arafat's HQ and everyone in it, just to be spiteful, but we've planned for that contingency." Asked to elaborate, Powell smirked and said something about casks and amontillado.