Return of the Radical Cheerleaders
On a bored Tuesday evening, I was killing time perusing our archives when it occured to me: Whatever happened to the radical cheerleaders? Because as far as I'm concerned, you can never have too many radical cheerleaders.
So I did a little web searching, and discovered some radical cheering sites, like this one: Radical Cheerleaders
According to the site:
Radical Cheerleading is protest and performance! It is activism with pom-poms and combat boots! It is non-violent direct action in the form of street theater. And it's FUN!
To be a Radical Cheerleader, you do not need to be an actor, a singer or a dancer - you just have to want to yell!
Oh, good. For a minute there, I was worried that there might be a shred of actual talent involved. But nope. Just put on your combat boots, grab your pom-poms, and get ready to overthrow the imperialist state while shaking your groove thing to classic lines like this (and please bear in mind that I am NOT making this up):
Throw those arms up in the air
Let me see that armpit hair
We don't shave or use that nair
Sleek and chic, we do not care
We're hairy-- got hairy legs
We're hairy-- got hairy pits
We're hairy-- got hairy hair
And we pick our noses too!
HEY! Stop edging towards the 'back' button. I'm not through with you yet. You will sit there like a good Happy Fun Pundit viewer and frantically hold back your peristaltic urges while I read to you some more from the book of radical cheer. And hey, wasn't there a ZZ Top song about radical cheerleaders?
- ZZ Top
She's got legs,
Don't know how to groom them,
She never shaves,
Don't know how to smooth them.
She's so fine,
She's all mine,
The girl is hirsute.
That was one of my favorites, along with "Sharp Pierced Girl", and "Gimme all your Cheerin'".
Back to the Radical Cheerleaders. Here's one of my personal favorites:
Canada is Not Okay
T AND A all the way canada is not okay
no borders no states
we just want to masturbate
no borders no states
we just want to masterbate
T and A all the way
canada is not okay
There are a number of serious questions posed by this excellent cheer. First, while I'm willing to concede that Canada does not in fact have states, I'm pretty sure borders are involved in some capacity. But the really interesting part is the conflation of T and A, Canada, and masturbation. The relationship is unclear. Is Canada preventing masturbation in some way? Or is it that you must make a choice between liking Canada and masturbating? A tough decision indeed. I hate to think that Canada is forever closed to Peewee Herman, although it does seem like an effective and reasonable anti-George Michael policy.
And yet, it disturbs me to think that there is a world full of hairy, lesbian cheerleaders frantically punishing themselves in a frenzy of Canadian antipathy. Surely, there are more important things to hate, like malaria, terrorism, or Michael Bolton.
And of course, you can't be a good radical cheerleader without being totally current on matters economic:
Free Trade No More
1,2,3,4, we don't want free trade no more!
5,6,7,8, we don't want your corporate state!
9,10,11,12, we'll run the system by ourselves!
13,14,15,16, what the hell is Cretien thinking!
17,18,19,20, next election you'll loose by plenty!
21,22,23,24, radical cheerleaders at your door!
It's the 9,10,11,12 part that scares me. I figure we'll make it to about 9.2 before mass starvation sets in, and by 10 we'll be rioting in the streets in protest of the mandatory piercing laws.
And we Canadians have until '12' to prepare ourselves for the invasion of the screaming hordes of combat-booted radical cheerleaders, looking to free Canadian T and A, leg hair aflutter, buzzing in unison. Our only hope is that their batteries run out.