Saturday, May 18, 2002

Happy Fun Daily Briefing

Our expert analysis has concluded that a black (possibly bay) horse will win the fifth race somewhere in America today. Please send Happy Fun Pundit half your winnings should you win a wager based on this information. Happy Fun Pundit of course accepts no responsibility for lost wagers in the event that yours does not happen to be the track at which the black (possibly bay) horse wins the fifth.

Happy Fun Daily Briefings are available for a number of fields of endeavour, in case horse racing is not your cup of tea. You may also access HF intelligence reports on:

  • Lost Objects
  • Lucky Numbers
  • True Love
  • National Security
  • Jai Alai
  • Greyhound racing
  • Fishing

    Just call the 900 number at the bottom of your screen. Do it today!

    Disclaimer: just to be clear, Happy Fun Pundit accepts no responsibility for anything whatsoever. You're on your own, kids, but if it makes you feel better to give us a few bucks to get a little report-thingy that hopefully vindicates an opinion you already hold, well, hell, we're not going to turn down free money. The fact is, there's a lot of noise and very little signal out there, but for a few bucks we'll open up a can of a posteriori and prove that JFK raced a chariot against Ben Hur. For a few more bucks, we'll produce video that proves it.
  • Article Says Bush Knew of Sept. 11 Attacks

    A cleverly-worded article posted on CBS News implies that George W. Bush was warned of the WTC attacks in 1998. The article does not name sources, but it's incredibly obvious what the next step must be --- a full and complete investigation of Miss Cleo and her Pyschic Network, and their ties to the White House -- because who else could have prepared a report for a president who would not be elected until 2000? (full discloure: Happy Fun Pundit has received information about true love, money, lucky numbers, and lost objects from various Psychic Networks, including Miss Cleo's. Happy Fun Pundit may also have suffered a massive head wound).

    Critics also charge that Bush ignored repeated warnings from "Llap-Goch", the spirit of an ancient Welsh shaman who speaks through Baltimore medium Cindy Nasitrap. Tapes of a 1997 seance record the following:

    QUESTIONER: Does Quigley love me for me, or is it just the boobs?
    LLAP-GOCH: He sees, but he does not see.

    Long awkward pause.

    QUESTIONER: So will he love me forever?
    LLAP-GOCH: The twin towers will fall someday.
    QUESTIONER: Wow. You Welsh guys are so profound.

    (emphasis added). Clearly, this was a direct warning from beyond the grave which the Bush White House chose to ignore. Asked for comment, former president Bill Clinton claimed that under his leadership, there would've been a full investigation of whether or not she had hot boobs.

    Look here for further developments as Cleogate unfolds... or, if you're psychic, you don't need to do that, but please drop me an email and tell me where the hell I put my W2.

    Thursday, May 16, 2002

    Memo to George Lucas

    George, baby:

    Look, let Woody Allen or Kubrick do films where people talk and have emotions and all that. You should stick to doing what you do best: fighting and blowing stuff up. Oh, and do you think maybe you could try to hide which part of the movie was only there to "inspire" a video game? Honestly, it's as bad as one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Here's My Mainstream Hit Single" songs. None of which is to say that I hated the movie, 'cause I didn't... the last half in particular rocked. Oh, and the sparing use of Jar Jar? God bless ya, sir, god bless ya.

    Stay beautiful,

    Steve Baby

    Wednesday, May 15, 2002

    880 South

    Dealmaking on his cellphone
    An important man.

    Comes an ambulance
    Lights flashing, siren wailing
    Trauma case inside.

    Are you blind, buddy?
    Move your car to the right, man!

    Happy Fun Pundit
    Loses temper, gathers speed
    Beemer guy is moved.

    Screening Process For Screeners Is Too Screeny

    Underperformin' Norman Mineta's minions are back in the news today, revealing that the process for hiring new "federal" screeners for airport security is in fact a Monty Python comedy sketch writ large.

    John Cleese plays CHARLES, a bowler-wearing twit with an outlandish moustache and sideburns. Graham Chapman, in drag, portrays his wife CELIA.

    CHARLES: Look, darling! Six hundred federal airport screener jobs!

    CELIA: Oh, let's do apply, dear!

    CHARLES: Right, off we go!

    They arrive at Baltimore-Washington Airport, parking their Mini in a "NO PARKING ZONE" along with hundreds of other Minis parked haphazardly across the road. A huge queue of people extends across the front of the airport and onto the runways. As CHARLES and CELIA watch, several applicants are run over by a taxiing jet, and several others are sucked into the jet's intakes and ejected as bloody confetti.

    CHARLES: Oh, hard cheese, that.

    CELIA: Never mind, dear, it's less competition for us.

    CHARLES: Quite so, quite so. (he turns to address a turban-wearing man, played by TERRY JONES) I say, are you the end of the queue?

    TURBAN MAN: (in heavily accented English) Death to America!

    CHARLES: Ah ha. Here we are, darling.

    CELIA: Oh, lovely. And isn't his turban the dearest thing?

    TURBAN MAN: (proudly) Death to America!

    CHARLES: Yes, indeed.

    Some time later, CHARLES has arrived at the front of the line, where a GOVERNMENT MAN played by MICHAEL PALIN sits at a table with a clipboard.

    GOVT MAN: Hello.

    CHARLES: Allah hou akbar!

    GOVT MAN: Oh dear, here's another one. DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

    CHARLES: Allah hou akbar!

    GOVT MAN: Yes, well, here's the thing. You do need to speak English for this job.

    CHARLES: Allah hou akbar?

    GOVT MAN: Well, if you're willing to learn, that's good enough for me (he makes a note on his clipboard)

    CHARLES: I'm sorry, I was having you on.

    GOVT MAN: Come again?

    CHARLES: I was having you on. I do in fact speak English.

    GOVT MAN: Are you quite sure?

    CHARLES: Yes, quite sure.

    GOVT MAN: (visibly excited) Well, how about that! You're the first one today!

    CHARLES: (quite proud) It's nothing really.

    GOVT MAN: Do you... (he lowers his voice conspiratorially) do you know anyone else who speaks English?

    CHARLES: My wife, Celia, although she's run off with Mohammed.

    GOVT MAN: That's perfectly all right. Not showing up is not prejudicial to the hiring process.

    CHARLES: Jolly good. You might add Mohammed as well, he's a perfectly fine fellow.

    GOVT MAN: (writing on his clipboard) Celia and Mohammed... excellent. Just have a seat there (he waves towards a bench) and wait for your name to be called.

    CHARLES sits down on the indicated bench and looks behind him. There are hundreds of identical benches, all empty. A tumbleweed rolls past.

    GOVT MAN: Charles, Celia, and Mohammed?

    CHARLES does not respond. Instead, he re-crosses his legs and fusses with his moustache.

    GOVT MAN: Charles, Celia, and Mohammed?

    CHARLES is now stretched out on the bench, doing pushups.

    GOVT MAN: Charles, Celia, and Mohammed?

    CHARLES has pulled his suit jacket up over his head, and pretends to be a monster. The GOVERNMENT MAN comes over to the bench, where CHARLES menaces him momentarily.

    GOVT MAN: I say, is there a Charles here?

    CHARLES: Indeed there is, my good fellow.

    GOVT MAN: Ah, there you are. I'd called your name a couple of times, wondered where you'd got to.

    CHARLES: It's this attention deficit disorder I've got, you know. Not always paying attention, never have been, never will be.

    GOVT MAN: Quite, quite. Now, just a few questions before we proceed -

    CHARLES: Yellow! Is that correct?

    GOVT MAN: Ooo, aren't you something! (makes a note on clipboard) Shows... initiative. Very good, very good. Now then, can you see?

    CHARLES: If I squint, I can usually make out where the road is.

    GOVT MAN: Tremendous. Celia, Mohammed?

    He and CHARLES glance to an empty bench.

    GOVT MAN: I'll take that as a yes. Are you a terrorist?

    CHARLES: Presently, or ever?

    GOVT MAN: Presently.

    CHARLES: No, not presently a terrorist.

    GOVT MAN: Splendid. Celia and Mohammed?

    Again, they look at the empty bench

    GOVT MAN: Also splendid.

    CHARLES looks sharply at the empty bench, then beckons the GOVERNMENT MAN to come closer. He whispers in the latter's ear.

    CHARLES: She's lying.

    GOVT MAN: Oh?

    CHARLES: She's IRA, I'm sure of it. Always wearing these great scratchy wool sweaters and talking about potatoes.

    GOVT MAN: Mmmm. Does she seem angry?

    CHARLES: Oh no, no, she's got a very sweet disposition.

    GOVT MAN: Well, we're really only worried about angry terrorists, but thank you for being so forthcoming.

    CHARLES: My pleasure.

    GOVT MAN: Right. Let's move along to the next phase.

    Cut to CHARLES sitting in front of a screen upon which is projected a picture of a gun.

    CHARLES: Apples.

    The picture changes to a large hunting knife.

    CHARLES: Gravy.

    The picture changes to a hand grenade.

    CHARLES: Very small rocks.

    The picture changes to a picture of a book.

    CHARLES: Potentially racist literature. Inititate cavity search.

    GOVT MAN: Well, I can see we're not going to get anything past you.

    The scene changes to CHARLES, now dressed in a white t-shirt and shorts, along with black shoes and socks, and a bowler hat. Before him stands a row of traffic cones, beyond which is an effigy of an elderly woman. The GOVERNMENT MAN stands to one side with a stop watch.

    GOVT MAN: When I say go, please make your way as quickly as possibly to the dummy, knocking over as few cones as possible. Any questions?

    CHARLES raises his hand.

    GOVT MAN: Yes, Charles?

    CHARLES: I don't mean to make a fuss, but are you sure the French judge is honest?

    The view cuts away to a judging table, where TERRY JONES, in drag and wearing a large fur coat, is holding up cards reading "2.0", as are a man dressed as a Cossack and an Oriental man.

    GOVT MAN: Stop that at once. It's too silly.

    The PREJUDICED JUDGES make angry gestures at him.

    GOVT MAN: Out!

    The PREJUDICED JUDGES leave, spitefully knocking over some cones as they go. The GOVERNMENT MAN glares at them, then turns to CHARLES

    GOVT MAN: If you're too upset to take the test, I'll understand. That was very stressful.

    Someone with a French accent shouts "ANGLO PIG!" from offstage

    CHARLES: Nonsense, I'm perfectly fine. Ready when you are.

    GOVT MAN: Oh, you're a plucky one. Right. Ready... steady... go!

    CHARLES sets out in an incredibly elaborate yet silly walk, sending cones flying every which way. The scene jumps ahead in fits and starts, showing an increasingly sweaty CHARLES glowering at the dummy. A clock inset in the corner of the view shows the time as five, then ten, and eventually thirty five minutes, at which point CHARLES collapses on top of the dummy, sliding down it and ending up in a heap on the floor. We cut back to the GOVERNMENT MAN, who now has a cone jammed on his head. He makes a note on his clipboard.

    GOVT MAN: Well done.

    The scene cuts back to CHARLES sitting in front of the blank screen. The disembodied voice of the GOVERNMENT MAN gives instructions.

    GOVT MAN: Now, we're going to show you pictures of two people, and you tell us which one you would search. Let's begin.

    The screen shows pictures of Osama bin Laden and Queen Elizabeth.

    CHARLES: Her.

    The pictures change to CHARLES MANSON and QUEEN ELIZABETH.

    CHARLES: Her.

    The pictures change to QUEEN ELIZABETH and a man with long yellow cords trailing from his shoes. He carries a large car battery under one arm.

    CHARLES: Err...

    GOVT MAN: Take your time.

    CHARLES: Both!

    GOVT MAN: Can you tell us why, Charles?

    CHARLES: He's wearing a Westham United blazer, the bloody ponce.

    GOVT MAN: Anything else?

    CHARLES: Errr...

    GOVT MAN: Take your time.

    CHARLES: He has long fingernails?

    GOVT MAN: Implying?

    CHARLES: He... might have... nail clippers?

    GOVT MAN: Excellent.

    CHARLES: Bloody Westham.

    Cut away to CHARLES in his shorts again, this time standing before a row of cardboard boxes of various sizes. He looks apprehensive.

    GOVT MAN: Now, this is a test that we call "Lifting boxes of various sizes". Are you ready?

    CHARLES: I say, are you sure this is safe?

    GOVT MAN: Is there a problem?

    CHARLES: Well, it just seems... unsavoury, what with all these boxes lying about.

    GOVT MAN: Mohammed didn't seem bothered by them.

    CHARLES: Well, perhaps he's done that sort of thing before.

    GOVT MAN: (suddenly very severe) I'm sorry, Charles, I don't believe I heard you correctly.

    CHARLES: I said, perhap's he's done this lifting thing before.

    GOVT MAN: What are you implying?

    CHARLES: See here, I'm not implying anything, I'm just saying that perhaps he's comfortable with lifting boxes because he's done it before. I wasn't expecting a kind of Spanish inquisition.

    GOVT MAN: (sharply) So you're prejudiced against people of turbanity and Spaniards.

    CHARLES: What?! I was just calling a spade a... oh dear.

    GOVT MAN: (writing angrily on clipboard) I'm sorry, Charles, but there's no job for your kind of racism in this Department of Transportation.

    CHARLES: Bloody hell.
    Child Faces 8 Years in Slammer for Spitball

    According to the San Fransisco Chronicle, a 13 year-old boy faces as much as 8 years in prison for hitting another child in the eye with a spitball. The other child was injured, which resulted in the spitter being convicted for battery causing serious bodily injury and mayhem, both felonies.

    By the logic of today, just about every kid in North America is a felon. I can recall participating in more than a few spitball attacks myself. And receiving and delivering more than one felony wedgie. Hardened criminal that I am, I guess I must have been smart enough to avoid 'the man' during this crime spree.

    But we must maintain our vigilance when it comes to children and their evil ways. No crime is too small, for it is a slippery slope. First it starts with finger pointing and picture drawing, but luckily our attentive school system has been expelling kids for that. Now it's time to get really tough.

    Something must be done about childhood. I think it's time that the government simply cracks down and makes it illegal to be a kid. We should no longer tolerate roving bands of snowball throwers. Dodgeball isn't a game - it's a brutal, felonious attack on the slow and inattentive. The insidious game of 'tag' requires physically touching another person who doesn't want to be touched. Saying "Nyah Nyah" is clearly hate speech. Why is our society oblivious to these horrors?

    Lock 'em up, I say. Education's too good for them. Throw those kids in a cell with Spike and Mauler, and teach them the evils of the spitball. And while they are there, they can learn valuable life skills from the other inmates, so that they can leave prison and pick up where they left off - as 21 year olds with an 8th grade education and an institutionalized mindset.
    The Rhinos are Back!

    Not many people realize this, but the Rhinoceros party has been resurrected in Canada.

    They only have one official party priority at this time: They want to change the official name of British Columbia to "La La Land", to "more accurately reflect the true nature of our geopolitical reality."

    I quote from their website:
    After an alcohol-induced hibernation of almost 13 years, Canada's most beloved political party, okay Canada's ONLY beloved political party, is staggering to its feet, shaking the mental cobwebs from its big, fat head and preparing to rampage across B.C. Ladies and gentlemen... wait a minute, neither ladies nor gentlemen will be too pleased with this news. Children of all ages, however, will rejoice in the knowledge that the Rhino Party is back!

    I think this is a party with a future. It is a party with vision - one of their election promises years ago was to have the Rocky Mountains bulldozed so that Alberta could get a few extra minutes of daylight.

    America could use a Rhino party. When politics is absurd, the absurd should become politicians. In an insane world, only the sane man appears insane. Or something like that.

    Note to Readers: If you have an idea for a good policy for an American Rhino party, send 'em to me, and I'll publish the best (i.e. funniest) ones. Let's Party!
    Great Article in Slate Today

    In today's Slate, Jonathan Chait presents one of the most lucid articles I've read in mainstream media on exactly what motivates Palestinian suicide bombers, and how to stop them.

    The article is here: Exploding Myths - Why Israel's war on terrorism is working.

    Monday, May 13, 2002

    We Get E-mail from George Bush

    I just received this letter via E-mail:

    Subject: Re:Treatment of Taliban Captives

    Concerned Citizen;

    Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and El Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.

    You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or "LARK" for short.

    In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily-armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.

    It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

    Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side... no increase in the toilet paper bill!

    He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.

    Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these minor character idiosyncrasies.

    Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

    He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

    Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured that he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

    Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.

    Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

    Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember... we'll be watching.


    George W. Bush

    Sunday, May 12, 2002

    Fun Web Sites For Geeks

    While perusing the most excellent blog The Political Hobbyist, I came across a site dedicated to BAD Science Projects. Go there, and you will:

    SEE: The world's largest 'Pong' game, made out an office highrise's lighting system.

    TASTE: The evil blue fluid inside a 'Magic 8-ball'.

    HEAR: The sound made when a man with more brains than sense builds a pulse-jet engine and straps it to his go-kart.

    And much, much more. Unfortunately, you'll have to filter out all the little weenerz and hackerz that love posting insightful messages like, "ur a fag u suck", but it's worth wading through the kiddie-drivel to get a look at, say, a large, metal, laser-guided potato launcher. I want one.