Thursday, June 27, 2002

Notes From the G8 Summit

Well, it's summit time here in Alberta, and since I live very close to the summit, I thought I should drive down there and give our readers a first-hand account of exactly what's happening.

That thought lasted until the temperature went up to 34 degrees Celcius (about 93 Fahrenheit), at which point it was replaced by the thought that I should really follow the G8 summit from a lakefront resort. So, the wife and I packed up the child and Katie the dog, and off we went.

There was very little G8 action at the lake, but there was a high-school graduation party. A big one. A big, noisy, hormone-laden one. One in which there was much yee-hawing and drinking and probably a lot of sex. In other words, it was WAY better than some lousy G8 summit.

Being a good reporter, I thought I could salvage some form of political respectibility from this trip, so I interviewed one of the grad kids about the G8:

Dan: "So, what do you think of the G8 summit happening nearby?"
Grad: Dude! Listen up. You get some rippin' abs, and a good lower back, and you're stylin'! These guys wasting their time working their arms and legs and calves and stuff, they're like, stupid. The babes don't care, man. They just want those rippin' abs.
Dan: Okay, I see your point, and it's an important one. Tell me what you think is the most important issue facing the G8.
Grad: Dude! Listen, I know all about the G8. My buddy's got a smokin' Mustang with a G8 in it. Blows the doors off of my buddy's Valiant, man.
Dan: You know, it's rare to meet a grad who is ignorant of both politics and cars. How did you manage that?
Grad: Dude! You like my abs? I had to shoot myself up with horse tranquilizers to get that rip, man. But the babes just go nuts for it!
Dan: I notice you don't actually have a 'babe' with you...
Grad: Dude, that's cold, man.
Dan: Just what did you graduate from?
Grad: Dude! Like, high school man. Gonna be a doctor, man. 'Cause the babes dig doctors, and like, they can prescribe their own steroids. I'm gonna be huge, Dude.
Dan: God help us.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that the G8 summit is, like, really hot, dudes.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

Sources within the Recording Industry Assocation of America are reporting that the RIAA has taken note of Moby's remarks regarding the necessity of a level of technological sophistication for CD copying and MP3 exchanging, and have begun work on a new initiative in case their other underhanded shenanigans don't pan out. The new plan, codenamed "Operation Dumb-Looking Beards Without Moustaches", involves passing a bill in both Houses that would force everyone in the world to abandon advanced technology and live in a simple manner best exemplified by the Amish. A short excerpt from a leaked document explains:

...our research has shown that the Amish have the lowest per-capita involvement in theft of intellectual property, either by illegally copying CDs or exchanging MP3s. Since the music business is unquestionably the most important business of all, it makes perfect sense to force the rest of the world to adopt a societal model that will encourage the flourishing of industry-controlled recording artists. Everybody will be too damn tired from barnraisings to download MP3s, and hey, you can't copy a CD with a butter churn.

Response from the Amish community has been mostly exclamations of "What deviltry tis this ye speak of?", but response from other key groups, most notably Senator Fritz Hollings (D -Eminem), has been very positive:

"Strom Thurmond made it all sound pretty good. And I about laughed my ass off at that movie with Tim Allen in the Amish village with Kirstie Alley... what was that called again?"

A next generation rock concert?

The RIAA acknowledges that the sweeping changes of their proposal may not sit well with everyone, and, noting Moby's point about less intelligent people being less capable of stealing crappy music, are also stockpiling large quantities of lead to be added to the nation's drinking water.

Monday, June 24, 2002

...then he swallowed a whole Jewish guy!

Skinny little bald guy Moby has a theory about why sales of his album 18 (currently #35 on the Billboard chart) haven't beem so great:

...bands who have very technically savvy fans will see their records do poorly in the charts, whereas bands/artists who have less technically savvy fans will do quite well on the charts

Singer Barry Manilow, whose "Ultimate Manilow" collection is #58 on the Billboard chart, agrees. "My fans are like super-geniuses", said Manilow from his Malibu home. "One of them, I think her name is Debbie, invented a machine for automatically cleaning up your carrot peelings. God, how much richer I'd be if I had dumber fans."

Fans of current Billboard chart topper Eminem were unavailable for comment, being very busy with hunting and gathering. On the other hand, fans of Britney Spears (Billboard #98) have evolved into disembodied intelligences that nonetheless can't get enough of the "Oops, I Did It Again!" girl. Members of the Celine Dion (#16) Fan Club were unable to understand written language, but did grunt and throw bones at Dion's latest disc, "A New Day Has Come". One Happy Fun Pundit contributor, noting that the only Billboard-charted CD he owned was the soundtrack from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" (#7) resolved to broaden his musical tastes and thereby move towards developing rudimentary agriculture.

Regrettably, Moby's theorizing did not address issues regarding Germans and David Hasselhoff.
Casey Jones, Call Your Office

Norman Mineta has unveiled some further details of his plan to save Amtrak, mentioned in passing in this WaPo article. Mineta, citing spiralling wage costs as a key factor in Amtrak's chronic financial woes, has proposed replacing all existing Amtrak staff with young volunteer workers, who will gain valuable job skills while lowering the costs of operating the national rail service. An excerpt from Mineta's speech:

"In the last few months, Amtrak human resources offices have been inundated by young men who want to be part of the transportation industry, motivated only by the desire to make a positive difference in our country. Did I mention that I, like many Japanese Americans of the day, was interned during World War II? Well, it's true. And you roundeye bastards are going to pay. So anyway, the picture you can see is one of these volunteers, a young man named Joe. Joe has spent the last six months training to be a --- whatchacallit, a train-driver guy --- anyhow, he graduated from our train-driver guy program, and will spend the next year driving trains in the busy New York area --- working as an unpaid volunteer. How refreshingly unlike lazy, greedy child-interning Caucasians. "

Joe, Amtrak Volunteer
Punch, boys, punch with care...

Mineta, 69, is the latest in a long line of politicians who have failed to make the trains run on time.
Bet You Can't Eat Just One...

According to this Reuters story a group of World Health Organization food safety experts will meet to determine if "potato chips, French fries, and other carbohydrate-rich foods" contain unsafe levels of the possibly carcinogenic substance acrylamide.

This session follows hot on the heels of a similar WHO panel formed to study the effects of marijuana.