Monday, September 16, 2002

From the "In" Box

FROM: MADDAS NIESSUH,
BAGHDAD, IRAQ.

Dear Friend,

I am contacting you on behalf of my family, and l strongly solicit your assistance in the Almighty name of Allah.

I am MR. MADDAS, the son of the late GENERAL MADDAS, a past Head of State of the Federal Republic of IRAQ. Since my father's death, my entire family has been under immense pressure from the present Government of GREAT SATAN, to make available the BABY MILK in my father's possession. As a result of this, my family has lost billions of GALLONS OF BABY MILK, which my father left behind for his family. Immediately after my father's internment, my mother made numerous attempts to travel out of the country with the BABY MILK my father kept in his country home, but all her efforts were frustrated by the government of the day. This gave my mother a lot of pychological problems. As a result of these failed attempts, l decided to tactically move some of the BABY MILK to a STORAGE company: this l succeeded in doing without the knowledge of GREAT SATAN's government. The BABY MILK are in a total amount of US GALLONS 42,000,000.00, and sealed in trunk boxes. I have made arrangements with the Security Company where l lodged the trunk boxes, to help claim the trunk boxes to my would be destination (your country). At the moment, I cannot travel out of the country, because my country's government is holding on to my International Passport. It is in view of this, l have decided to solicit your assistance in the dispensing of these BABY MILK in a destination/location nearest to you. Remuneration is open to negotiation. I appeal to you in the name of Almighty God, to
sincerely and honestly render us this assistance, l know you would wonder why l am not soliciting for assistance from well placed GERMANS, it's really sad. You see, all my late father's friends whom we have asked for assistance absconded with our BABY MILK and some even went as far as informing the government about the BABY MILK. This disgraceful act by GERMANS has made it necessary for us to seek foreign assistance. Please, we implore you to treat this project with utmost confidentiality, as we would not want our family name in further trouble. Thank you for your anticipated assistance. Please, you can send your response to my email address and I will get back to you immediately.

Yours faithfully,

MR. MADDAS

PS: If anyone from the United Nations shows up asking about the trunk boxes, tell them you're holding the boxes for your cousin.

PPS: Also, checkout my new webcam at www.saddam.iq! Me and my friends love to get sexy in front of the camera!
Daschle Concerned about Concerns

Our favorite hand-wringing Democrat, Tom Daschle, is concerned about the timing of the Iraq debate.

Yeah, I know. He's always concerned. Concern is a great thing for a politician to have: You can act like you care, without actually doing anything. Daschle is so concerned that he is concerned that his concerns are not concerning to the Bush White House. That's definitely a concern.

When asked to explain his concerns, Daschle responded: “I would say that the concerns we have about the politicization of this whole issue are ones that still exist.” That's a relief. I was worried that the old, comfortable concerns had been replaced by some young upstart whippersnapper concerns or something. I'm sure Daschle would be concerned about that.

As for me, I'm trying to figure out how Bush could have possibly avoided a charge of 'politicising' the Iraq debate. Let's see... The argument that the vote is too close to an election would have been applied had Bush called for a vote any time between, oh, July and November. And we'd better not include November and December with a lame-duck Congress.

So the way I see it, Bush would have had to either call for a vote on the issue six months ago, before any of the evidence was collected or before the world campaign to oust Saddam had really been underway, or he would have had to wait until January, thereby ensuring that U.S. troops would get to fight in the heat in their heavy chemical protection gear. Anything else is 'injecting politics' into the debate, apparently.

And of course, Tom Daschle is just a helpless waif who could never have brought the issue up himself at any point. After all, the administration hasn't exactly made a secret of its desire to attack Saddam. Why didn't the Democrats voice their 'concerns' six months ago?

The answer, of course, is because they are the ones playing politics. Daschle didn't want to take a stand one way or the other, so he tried to play a waiting game, in which the Democrats would refuse to commit to a position, choosing instead to respond with vague demands for more information and 'concerns' about vague details. And now events have passed them by, and they're unhappy about being caught napping. So now that the 'concerns' about the war have fizzled, Daschle is falling back to being concerned about the timing of the debate itself.

Joe Biden shares his concerns as well: "“Some issues are so serious, so important to the United States, that they should be taken as far out of the realm of politics as possible,” Biden said. “This is one of those issues.”

And of course by saying that, Biden put the issue squarely into the realm of politics. As did Daschle. Apparently, they aren't concerned about that.