Friday, October 04, 2002

Sing Along With Yasser

FADE UP to Yasser Arafat and some henchmen sitting in an office. In the background, the sounds of tanks, soldiers, etc. can be heard. Arafat is holding a cellphone to his ear.

ARAFAT: (to HENCHMEN) I got the machine again. (to PHONE) Bill, I know you're there. Pick up. C'mon, be a buddy.

After a moment, he slams the phone down.He sighs and stares into the distance.

ARAFAT: You know, when this happened six months ago, I had a roomful of human shields, and heads of state on call-waiting.

HENCHMAN: I remember that. You'd click over and yell "Show me the money!" then click back. That was hilarious.

ARAFAT: Yeah, well, now even Khadafy is doing the "can't talk right now, gotta get to the UN human rights commission meeting" schtick.

HENCHMAN: Yeah, for sure you used to get more respect.

ARAFAT: Back then, I was General Arafat. I was contender. I was somebody. The world loved me.

The ORCHESTRA breaks into the vamp for Rodgers' and Hart's "I Wish I Were In Love Again". ARAFAT sings:

The PA's smashed, my compound's trashed
The Jews keep finding where my bombs are stashed
The threats to cut off all my Euro cash
I wish we were in love again

The Nobel Prize, the media guys
Repeating blindly my unending lies
While overlooking all my terror ties
I wish we were in love again

In Jenin
Tanks move in
And I'd rather they'd move out

The crowds would roar and scream for more
I wore my pistol on the UN floor
I hung up on Christiane Amanpour
I wish we were in love again

The White House gave me room and board
I wiped my butt with the Oslo Accords
Now my calls to Clinton are just ignored
I wish we were in love again

Baby wipes
Peacenik types
Smelling ripe
Now human shields are no-shows

Excuse me Jew, won't you eschew
The devastation of my poor HQ
I'm losing my grip and I wish we were in love again
In love again
In loooooove

(with profoundest apologies to Richard Rodgers and especially Lorenz Hart)