Thursday, October 17, 2002

And Speaking of Stupid Celebrities...

Mark Goldblatt compounds The Dowd Rule in National Review Online. One "I Wish I'd Said That" quotation:

Quick aside on Moore: Flip through his book next time you pass it on a shelf. Note the SENTENCES IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Note the preponderance of exclamation points! In the current climate, Moore is a wobbling monument to the false impression that mouthing egalitarian clich├ęs from the Sixties constitutes a reasoned worldview; in a more literate time, Moore would pass for a JERRY SPRINGER GUEST!

I don't link too often, but this one is too good to pass up.

Speaking of Moore, he's hawking his new movie, "Bowling for Columbine" with an email campaign urging people to go to advance screenings. A few folks have already Fisked the email a bit, but he's such a big target, I'm sure there's room for a few cheap shots ala pundit joyeux.

and no one, in all the advance screenings I have attended, has left the theatre with anything short of rage.

"I paid eight bucks to see that piece of crap! EIGHT BUCKS!"

With this movie I have broadened my canvas to paint a portrait of our nation at the beginning of the 21st century, a nation that seems hell-bent on killing first and asking questions later.

And here I thought you broadened your canvas because you couldn't fit into it anymore.

If it does poorly, I will have a difficult time finding the funding for the movie I want to make next -- a film about 9/11 and how Bush is using that tragic day as a cover for his right-wing agenda.

Don't let that happen. Don't let the NRA have one more success by stopping the wider distribution of this movie. And, together, let us not remain silent in our opposition to Bush's phony war against Iraq.

Why, just the other day, I saw Charlton Heston going door-to-door asking people not to go see "Bowling For Columbine".

It's all there... the paranoia, the delusions of grandeur, and the supersize bags of cheeze doodles.
The Other WMD

In times like this when tensions are high and countless lives are on the line, it's a wise man who periodically stops for a reality check. From time to time, responsibility behooves us to make a thoughtful consideration of the premises that we use to decide what's right and what's wrong. To do otherwise is to risk extremism, irrationality, irrelevance, and madness.

However, that's a lot of work. What I find is much easier is to see what Woody Harrelson says and does, then say and do the opposite. Woody's penned an editoral for The Guardian giving us the 411 on Iraq and offhandedly solving the problems of government spending in one short paragraph. Not since Barbra Streisand has a celebrity shown such penetrating insight as Woody of Mild Delusions. Check this:

He asks me what I'd do in Bush's shoes. Easy: I'd honour Kyoto. Join the world court. I'd stop subsidising earth rapers like Monsanto, Dupont and Exxon. I'd shut down the nuclear power plants. So I already have $200bn saved from corporate welfare. I'd save another $100bn by stopping the war on non-corporate drugs. And I'd cut the defence budget in half so they'd have to get by on a measly $200bn a year. I've already saved half a trillion bucks by saying no to polluters and warmongers.

Then I'd give $300bn back to the taxpayers. I'd take the rest and pay the people teaching our children what they deserve. I'd put $100bn into alternative fuels and renewable energy. I'd revive the Chemurgy movement, which made the farmer the root of the economy, and make paper and fuel from wheat straw, rice straw and hemp. Not only would I attend, I'd sponsor the next Earth Summit. And, of course, I'd give myself a fat raise.

Right now, somewhere in America, Paul O'Neill is thwacking his forehead and saying, "Stop giving money to the earth-rapers! Gawd-DAMN, why didn't I think of that?".

(This would normally be the obligatory paragraph where I go on and on about how stupid and arrogant Woody is, as well as sticking him with a few more acronyms like "Wildly, Monstrously Dumb", or "What a Motherlovin' Dunce", but it's just too easy. Instead, I'm going for drinks with the polluters and warmongers.)

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Al Qaeda Unveils Fall TV Lineup

A spokesman for al Qaeda say that terrorist doofus Osama bin Laden is alive and in good health, but has put on a few pounds since his last appearance. Evidently, the bloated bin Laden has refused to be videotaped in recent months, embarassed at having become so rotund when many of his followers have been blasted into tiny Halal McNuggets. Abdel Rahman al-Rashed also told Al Majalla magazine that al Qaeda has set up a media department to "address the Muslim people", and presumably chase lucrative advertising dollars to replace funds frozen by the international effort against terrorism.

Happy Fun Pundit has obtained exclusive images from the AQMG's first project, a new bin Laden video:

Osama rallies the troops for jihad in a new Al Qaeda videotape to be shown on al-Jazeera on Saturday morning.

al-Rashed didn't go into details about projects and personnel at the new Al Qaeda Media Group, but one can safely assume that they include The Guardian , British columnist Robert Fisk, and a lot of really stupid people. Industry analysts have criticized al Qaeda's move away from its core competence in terrorism and into the media marketplace, which has been steadily contracting in recent years. "Besides", said one analyst, "the media's controlled by Jews anyway."

Sunday, October 13, 2002

Nelson Mandela: Snitch

Former South African president, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and international nuisance Nelson Mandela has committed a diplomatic gaffe in clear violation of an internationally-recognized law. After his early attempts to persuade the United States not to take military action against Iraq failed, Mandela made a radical move against American president George W. Bush by finking to the latter's father. Experts in the international "law of the playground" were unanimous in their criticism of Mandela:

It's one thing to say, "I'm going to call your dad!" in the heat of the moment. That is a perfectly valid tactic, right up there with "I'm going to report you to the principal's office" or "You say that again and I'm going to have my wife put a flaming tire around your neck." It's another to actually pick up the phone and rat a guy out to his parents. Our system of international relations is based on settling things on the playground, and Mandela has clearly gone beyond this.

It is unclear at this time if George W. Bush was actually grounded, or if he just got one of those "I'm very disappointed in you, George" talks, but is in discussions with his senior advisors formulating a response. Sources close to the Administration have said off the record that leaving a "flaming fudge bag" on Mandela's front door, ringing the doorbell, and running away has been considered, although Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is said to strongly advocate giving Mandela both a wedgie and a purple nurple. Secretary of State Colin Powell, on the other hand, has proposed inviting Mandela to the President's birthday party, on the presumption that they can't help but become friends under such circumstances.

Mandela has also volunteered to be part of a panel of "12 wise men" that Saddam Hussein has proposed to oversee UN weapons inspectors in Iraq, with nine of them acting as a special "security council".

Other possible panelists include Jimmy Carter, Paul Lynde, and Rose Marie.